I am a writer

I am not a novelist, poet, or even a master of words, but I promise to tell you a story when you read my thoughts. I give you all of me in what I write. I am flawed and some times I appear incomplete. Hidden in the depth of my inner workings, my feelings hold strong the objectives I push to the front. I have yet to complete a novel, but the ideas I have, could make up volumes. I have yet to publish my poetry, but the spirit of the imagery used is ever present in all that I do. I have not mastered the words that give me the strength to create, but I learn more in every wake. I am a writer. I create stories intertwined in my speech and allow you to think about the unknown in my words as they are forever open ended. Your interpretation of how I create what I love will always differ in opinion to what I intend for you to understand. I leave you the rights to your thoughts on what I do, but you will never understand me better than me. I am not a novelist, poet, or even a master of words, but I promise to tell you a story when you read my thoughts.

-unfulfilled and untitled-

Lust in my eyes.
Love in my heart
I want to be his.

He shows me what real love is
He shows me what real passion is
He shows me what a man is

He knows what a woman is in me
He knows what I want from him
He knows what he can give me

I love his essence
I love his core
He is my man.

When Will I Learn...When Will You Leave...

It still hurts every time I look at you. I get mad all over again, because I'm still getting pieces of you. You always say today will be different, but you still haven't changed. I don't know what will make me realize I should stop giving you chances, but I think its because you won't let me go. When you sent me this song, I knew you understood, but you still don't get it.

I don't think we will ever end up together. I'm not Carrie and you're not Big. We won't end up like them, I'm just waiting for you to see it. Maybe you can change my mind before I change yours. I guess we will be in limbo until a real change happens.

Love

I miss the way I felt when I had someone that loved me and I loved them. I miss the different level of completeness that comes with being with someone. Am I in love with the idea of love, YES! I think the idea of love is an amazing thing, but not a greater pull than being in love. Many people are in love with the idea of a wedding but not with the idea of marriage, if that makes it easier to understand. I love hard at every step of the way, so for me to open up and love you, I need to know that I can trust you with my love. I'm done looking for love, because I know it will happen. I'm back to working on me, because everything else will fall into place.

My Reflection

Looking at the mirror hoping to see my reflection
Instead it feels like glass, transparent and invisible.

I raise my hand in the hopes of seeing movement
Gliding over the cold panel in front of me
I ball my fist to smash through in the hopes of seeing red,
broken and shattered I am screaming for help.

Nobody hears me

I see you passing me by,
hoping to hear your words of concern.

Nobody sees me

I yell out to you,
hoping you can fix me.
But I can no longer see the light.
My body is deserted
My soul is lost.

Looking at the mirror hoping to see my reflection.
Instead it feels like glass, transparent and invisible.

I open my eyes to see clearly,
I can no longer hide in the shadows
I must look at my reflection

The One That Makes Me Smile

You, He, Him, The one that makes me smile.
When I look in your eyes it shakes my core
I inhale life when we kiss.

Every breath in your presence tastes as sweet as peaches
Every time I look in your eyes I see the next 60 years,
How happy you could make me.

The center of your identity excites me
When you hold me, I am safe
When I hear you, I melt away

You have more of me than you realize
But you're too wrapped up inside your head to untie me
Unwrap me like a present on Christmas morning
I want you to want me
To see past all
my flaws
my hurt
my distrust
And see me how I see you

You, He, Him, The one that makes me smile

- untitled -

Fresh out the shower, dripping wet
I see the way I caught your eye.
Looking at me like the first time we made love.
Excited to get to the juicy center.
Licking your lips as you lick mine
Tasting how sweet I am from your bottom lip
I love the way you love me
Not satisfied with your lust for my nectar, you want more
You want to feel me squeeze my lips around you
Grabbing hold of your essence to intertwine with my joy
I bring you to climax and feel every pulsating vein inside of me.
You have me.
I have you.

To My Future Husband...

I pen this letter in the hopes of sending good vibes into the world and keep you safe from harm so that you find me. I want you to understand that I may not go to church every Sunday, but I have God in my heart. I may have a past, but I only want you in my future.  I want us to build a life together based on honesty, faith, love, and commitment to be better than we were yesterday. I am full of flaws, as I am sure you are. It took me a long time to accept this about myself, and I know I am always a work in progress. You have found me and I have found you, not as a complete masterpiece but with the knowledge that we will balance each other and create a beautiful composition. There is nothing more I want in this world than to make you happy. I promise to be what you need when you don't realize it and what you want when you desire me. While my life has vision, it is incomplete without you sharing in my joys and helping me through the failures. I will be there for your vision, helping you succeed and helping through the failures. Success is inevitable as long as we stay committed to each other. Understand that I will be wife, mother, chef, therapist, porn star, coach, whatever you need me to be because I love you and will be there for you though it all. We are in this together. If you're mad, go sleep it off in your man cave because arguments will happen, and divorce is not an option. You are either with me or you're not and we need to figure it out before "I do". I will give you all of me as long as you give me all of you.

Know that I intend on keeping my promises of love and fidelity when you make me your wife and I want nothing more than to keep you happy as my husband.

Love Always,
Your Future Wife

Plus Size In The City

How great of a title is that for a blog/column/general use? So you can imagine my regret for not thinking of it when I came across a modeling agency with the exact name, now if I tried to create a blog with that title I would feel like a copy cat. Just terrible news. But all jokes aside I need to brainstorm new names for this blog to shorten the length of the URL.

I hate proving ignorant people right...

While I still believe men and women can be friends, when they fight like bitches nobody wins. It just proves the point of people who say they can't be. Another one bites the dust.

At least I didn't cry like a bitch...

When you have people in your life, you take the good with the bad because everyone has flaws. To attack someones personality because you were hurt is like sipping hot coffee and getting made you were burned. You don't like the way I communicate, then I guess you should have said that. You called me names, yet I'm the one not acting like an adult. But I guess when you are too far up your own smug sense of self worth to see that I didn't do anything wrong, you just didn't like it you would realize you were an ass and I'm sorry that I hurt you. I accept people for who they are, I don't try to change them. We interact not because it's mandatory, but because we enjoy the other's company. When it feels mandatory, I pull away because nobody is required in my life but me. Acting like I didn't tell you I do that is your own fault not mine.  I was a little shocked to get passive aggression from someone who I thought was better than that. When I should have realized he alienated his friends himself. I can keep my friends, yet you keep loosing yours. You talk so much shit about one girl, yet you're exactly like her. Yeah she gossips and talks about people, and while that's your main reason for disliking her, that is the exact same shit you do. I didn't care, because we were still cool. That's what friends do. I was more of a friend to you than you realize, who else is going to put up with your annoying habits now? lol alright that was mean, but he was a jerk for no reason. This whole thing is going to bug me for a while, but that is enough random points in the conversation I had this morning. I guess the circle got smaller today, and I'm okay with that part, just the reason why is so passe'. I'm the one that needs to be an adult, but your reasoning and actions are the ones that are childish. Okay sweetie ;)

My first e-book

My first published work!!!! It's only $0.99 so nothing crazy just a little story I worked on to get me going and feel out the publishing world, well at least feel out amazon and how it works.

Heartbreak: The Rise and Fall

Check it out, buy it, spread the word!

Okay so this is the actual last post of 2013

http://www.gofundme.com/5x00l4

This is a link for my go fund me page. I am looking to start my own business and need a little help getting it off the ground. With my crazy schedule and devoting my paycheck to bills I need that little boost to get it up and running. I'm not asking for the world, just some seed money for product samples and my second website where you can purchase adult toys, novelties and other goodies. My goal is $2,000 so anything you can donate would be helpful. Thanks loves!

The Last Post of 2013

I'm sick to death of the new year, new me bullshit people keep posting about. You are always you dumb ass, you can only change how and who you interact with the world around you. If you are tired of the same results, do something different with your life. You can't complain you hate dating assholes but go to the same places to find these guys/girls. You can't complain about the job you hate, if you never look for a new one or better yourself to pursue your dreams. You can't complain about your weight if all you do is order pizza and sit on your couch. You know better, but don't do better because it's hard. Fear of moving forward will keep you stuck in whatever rut you're in. Speaking from experience, I've been in ruts enough times to know that clawing your way out is the only way to do it, and making a resolution isn't going to do anything if you fall into the same pattern the second it gets hard. I wish more people would do better, maybe there would be a little more inspiration to go around.
In any case, I want to wish everyone a happy new year with many blessings and good fortune. May you succeed in any changes and goals set forth for you in the coming year.

2013: A Year of Learning

Tomorrow is the last day of 2013. I am leaving so much in that year its almost ridiculous. This year has been a year of self discovery and so much more. There are however a few things that will make the journey into the new year.

Say Good-Bye:

• Living for other people
• Doing things I don't want to
• Eating candy
• Getting shitty wasted
• My ex-lovers
• My ex-friends
• Holding on to the possibility of change from people that hurt me
• Saying nigga around white people
• My old ideals about kids, marriage, and love

Say Hello:

• Healthy living
• The pursuit of my dreams
• Becoming a published author
• Catering to my needs
• New opportunities for adventure
• Taking responsibility for my life and my happiness
• Getting my anemia under control

Just a few things that I've reflected on and made some hard decisions to be passionate about in the coming year. I won't say it's a resolution, but it is definitely a lifestyle change.

Life and Love is what you make of it...

Okay so dessert is spelled wrong in this picture I found, but you get the idea...this is the concept for 2014. Shedding dead weight physical and emotional. Took me far to long to realize, but I'm working on me. I am focused on my purpose, waiting patiently for someone worthy of my time as I am of his.

Sometimes I think about what could have been...

It's a few people I wish I could turn and walk away from, but then I think about how different my life would be without the experience of knowing them. I wish I could regret any situation, but I would rather remember them all and learn, than change what I know.

No additional words needed...

Think on it...

How many men are willing to admit that they have been cowards before? How many are strong enough to tell the woman they are dealing with the truth and walk away so she can heal? Give it some thought and grow stronger. The stronger we are as individuals the better our communities become when we come together.

Cali Pride...

My blood is California thick.
My heritage mixed up
Don't get it twisted I'm always me first
and my skin second.
Got so much pride in where I come from,
I hate on the top half of my state.
SoCal born and raised
in some of the best cities you never heard of.
I'm not hollywood and I'm not street
I come from LA
But I bleed for my state.