Double Life...

It took me far too long to get the clarity of mind that I have about my life. I have snuck around for years to live my double life, and I couldn't submerge myself in either life without my happiness suffering. So I live in a perpetual state of trying not to fail while keeping my life a float. I am at a breaking point where I am no longer trying to lead a life that makes someone else happy, but lead a life that brings me joy. If I am constantly living to appease someone else so that I have a safe place, is it really a safe place? It makes me angry to know that I have to hide part of me, but how long can I hide before it completely breaks my spirit. I am tired of feeling mediocre when I know I'm better, but with my life divided and spread too thin, I cannot grow. I'm fucking tired...I'm done with complacency and the leverage other people try to have over what I do. I am my own person, 26 years old and sick to death of old tired methodology trying to constrict the natural evolution of my creativity. I'm strong enough to know that I've been held down emotionally, but not strong enough to fight it. I'm strong enough to recognize my shortcomings, but not yet wise enough to change them. I have learned what I life I want to live, so no more doubles, just one.
I am strong.
I am powerful.
I am ME.

Just wait on it!

Behind Closed Doors

My online store is up and running, if you are looking for anything, let me know. I can get it all!

www.productsofbcd.com

We all have some...

They're just words right?

When you have an argument with someone, your intention is to win. Some people get so lost in the heat they pull from every fact, every story, every memory to try and cut the down the person they are arguing with. Not always nice, but it happens. Recently when I got into a disagreement with someone that I didn't care for, they got mad because I told them I didn't want them in my life. Like you lashed out because you thought you were better than me. How could this trash reject me? I got called a whore, just a mouth to stick his dick in after dark, but you kept calling me. you're the one all in my phone cupcaking and carrying on to get some pussy. And if I'm so worthless why do you keep coming back. What does that say about you? 

My friends are asking why it bothers me so much if I don't care about him. I care, because some other girl is going to have to deal with this trash ass nigga and he's going to put her through an emotional roller coaster because he isn't self aware. I wish I had the time or energy to make him understand how he affects women, not for his well being but for women. He angered me, not because of what he said but the fact that he thinks he can get away with degrading women. I know who I am, where I come from and the choices I've made, but that doesn't make it okay for any man to talk to me reckless and think I won't call him on it. I have done some shameful things but I am no ashamed of who I am. Know the difference when you try to put a woman down because of her past. 

You Ever Wonder?

When I think about the times I should have said no to him, it just makes me laugh. Where would I be in my emotional health if I didn't fuck with certain individuals. Like if I told Jayson I wasn't interested the first time we spoke or if I told Alex I wanted to try again the first time we stopped fucking with each other. Where would I be if Moses never cheated on me, where would I be if I kept walking and didn't stop to talk to Lee. Like these men have shaped and molded how I interact with men, and all of them are out of my life for very different reasons. Would I trust men more if I stopped letting people in early or after the fact when I let them come back. I don't know where I'll end up as far as my relationships go, but I know where I've been and what hasn't worked. I guess that's the point of playing the dating game, but when does the game become to much and you just throw in the towel. 

I'm barely 26 years old and already sick of dating. Not to say I will never find anyone, but mostly because I am sick of giving more of my heart to people that on;y give me pieces. Yeah that's something I have to work on, but I don't know how else to love. So why can't I find someone that will love me the way I love? Why must I put all my heart into my work or friends because I don't want to feel lonely. Yes I am complete in other areas, but to say my heart doesn't need someone is a lie. We all do in some form or another. The only thing left for me to balance is LOVE.

Lacking Good Sexy Time

I feel like I'm missing a passion in my life that I used to have. Like the sex life has dried up to the point where I am so unbelievably horny I almost called an ex-lover that took me a year to get rid of after the last time we had sex. I am not desperate for just plain ole sex, I am yearning for a satisfying interaction that leaves me glowing for the next few days and on cloud 9; Emulating the signs of love with none of the complications of having to deal with the relationship attachments. Life right now for me is so complicated. I am in the process of launching a business, recovering and revamping my novel, and making transitions in my life to move forward. The half ass dating is driving me crazy. Like its a waste of time and I am slowly but surely becoming a homebody, because I don't want to be around the people I am around. I need to be fucked, which isn't happening. My pussy is closed until further notice. Picking a worthy suitor that knows how to fuck and eat the pussy well is a game that I just don't have the energy for. It's sad, but so very true.

Just in case you forgot who I was...lol

Lets Take A Walk

I am just in a loving mood right now and I played this song and it gave me the utmost of life. I know its not a new one, but I just connected so deeply.