Tears of a fallen angel

Born of innocence
Shaped and molded by lessons
tested through experience
survived by memories.

Born into mortality
Death by living
Remaining apart of eternity
My soul is out there.

The pain of life is far worse
than the bliss of death.
Sorrow is the reality of my fatality
Happiness is the hope of my timelessness.


.

On That Night...

In the corner of my mind I still see your face.

I remember everything I did that night.

From the time I met you to the time you left me.

You called me beautiful,

But treated me like trash.

You said I was special,

But acted like it was nothing.

Deadened to the physical

Numb to the emotional

Empty to life.

Everything I am is taken away,

Broken beyond repair,

Damaged the image of my past, and

Changed the person I was supposed to be

Who am I today?

A question I ask myself everyday

My identity lost in what if questions and

Stolen by traumatic moments

The essence of the person I was has been taken from me,

Destroyed my innocence

And took my life from me.

I am expected to move on

Cope even

But how do you cope with something you will never forget?

Pushing away healthy relationships and

Turning them toxic,

Because you don’t trust anyone

Not even yourself to make the right decisions.

Relationship Cleanse

If you read my previous post, you can see that I need to let go of some things :)
At any rate I will be doing a relationship cleanse which consists of :

• No sex
• No new dates or people
• Self reflection
• Meditation
• Body cleanse

I should be done with this in about a week so I will post how i'm feeling when I return, because right now I feel like shit...lol

Got the message loud and clear

You love her...you love her more than you love me...is that the reason you still talk to her before you go to sleep and never call me anymore...for someone that is supposed to make you unhappy you sure do spend a lot of time with her...well you know what....she can have your ass...Ya'll can love each other and be happy together...no matter how long YOU pursued me I don't deserve the way you treat me...so i'm out...I don't want anything to do with you and your fucking love games...My heart is too precious to me to keep giving it to someone that doesn't really treasure it....so fucking fizzle out and don't contact me ever again...I don't want the pain and I don't want you anymore!

Nigga Why?

I feel like the thirstier a guy is the more he wants to show off his dick like that will appeal to a bitch like me. Sweetie, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but seeing your penis is not about to turn me on like when you see pussy, boobs, and ass. Nobody wants to see your circumcised or non-circumcised pink and brown dick. submitting your dick flicks to my tumblr, its a laugh riot with me and my friends...smh

I am who I am..

People either Love me or Hate me. Very rarely do they feel indifferent. Which is fine by me. But I am who I am, take it or leave it. If you don't care for it, then don't stick around, because I won't change for anyone especially someone that doesn't care the me that they met. Just a little something I wanted to make known ;)

Dear Diary,

I met a boy today. His personality is vivacious, His interest in me pure in nature but naughty in approach. I don't know if I should give him the time of day, I already have a boyfriend that I am very happy with. I gave him my number anyway. Maybe he will fizzle out and that will be the solution to my problem.

Fast Forward 1 year

Dear Diary,

This boy is still around. I don't know why? I realized when I got back to school, out of sight out of mind, but he  still calls me, just to check in. I told him I didn't think it would work, he wasn't the one for me. My old boyfriend broke my heart, but I guess this new guy stuck around long enough to try and fill that place. I'm still in college 3,000 miles away, we wouldn't work anyway. Maybe he will fizzle out now that I give him more attention. That happens sometimes, you realize you have less in common than you think.

Fast Forward 1 year

Dear Diary, 

He tells me he loves everything about me. Things are getting a little too real for me. I feel like he might actually last, but every time I give him a little piece of me, he goes ghost, and when I am MIA he is all up in my face. I don't understand him. He's the stereotype of a man when give him a piece, and different when I don't. Well I'm moving home soon, maybe things will be different, since I will be in the same city. Or maybe he will fizzle out.

Fast Forward 2 years

Dear Diary,

What the actual Fuck? This man drives me crazy. I know I do the same, this must be why we are both still here. I swear these last two and a half years I have been back home, have been crazy for me. He and I keep playing relationship tag. Why are we doing this to each other. The stress, the heart ache; I know I am not the only one going through this. Maybe this man is for me. Cause His crazy ass makes me happy, sad, irritated, elated all wrapped up in one. He's been saying for literally years that I was the one for him, but I didn't fully believe it till now. So taking steps forward, I hope he doesn't fizzle out.

To Be Continued...

February is right around the corner...

While I am anti-roses, cause they are too cliche', I do enjoy what the day is supposed to symbolize. It is a beautiful way for couples to set aside time for one another in an otherwise busy schedule. on the flip side however, it is a day for single people to realize yet another year of not being with someone, or it can be a personal celebration for love of self. This all depends on if you're a glass half empty or half full kind of person. This year I don't know that I will have a "valentine", but I know i will be spending it eating cupcakes and a fancy dinner I cook at any rate. I know I will have a few phone calls and texts from some girl and guy friends a little sad about this holiday, but to me I fell like if you can't love yourself on this holiday without being bitter, then why would anyone else love you on this holiday still bitter, because he or she didn't do enough. I'm sure guys can appreciate that I do hold this day as a day for women, but I also recognize March 13th as steak and blow job day. So if you can get your end fulfilled with cupcakes and good sex, I can fulfill my day with cooking you a fat steak and giving you the best head of your life (not that my head game is any slouch on any other day). So enjoy your love whether it is the love between you and someone special or if it is taking some personal time to show appreciation for self.

A different look

I have had the old template layout for pretty much my entire span of this blog. Blogger has come out with many updates and changes, so I took this opportunity to look at them. Fresh Look inspires fresh ideas! :)

Sexuality in Today's Society

So as a whole, I feel like society has come a long way, but as I was talking to my favorite Starbucks morning crew the views of folks that are older are still very conservative for the liberal day and age I have grown to know and appreciate. Homosexuals are in my personal opinion about 45% more accepted than they were just a mere 10 years ago. It says a lot especially in America that they have gone so far as to repeal the "don't ask, don't tell" policy in the military. However even with all these steps forward we still have so much hate for people that live alternatively. I'm going to play a race card, but not in the traditional "compare black rights to gay rights"; I'm comparing interracial dating acceptance to LGBT acceptance. For many reasons we understand that interracial dating was not acceptable, because of the intense and socially acceptable open racism there was for white and black folks to date outside their race. Over time this has become a more traditional way of mating culture. The same has happened with the LGBT community. We are just in the middle phase between outrage and acceptance. What one couple does in the privacy of their home is their business, that goes for any type of relationship.
It bothered me that the cool ass people from the Starbucks morning crew were so closed minded hating on the females that dressed like dudes, walking into the coffee shop with some bad looking broads.(probably jealous they couldn't pull a female that looked that good) Talking about the gay men at that establishment, calling them fairies and other derogatory names. I respect their opinions on so many things, and then for them to say these things, its like watching your idol go to jail or something just as horrifying. I'm still cool with them, but I see them in a different light.
I saw these things, because I feel like if anyone who reads this, gets a spark or twinkle of activism in their body, they should speak up, stand up, and reach out for equality. Sexual preference doesn't make anyone any less of a person.

Just thinking out loud..

I feel like my blog lacks a little unf when my sex life is slow. I can't help it, I'm trying to put out a freaking book....lol..but all jokes aside, its almost to the point where its affecting the way I write, because I disconnected and distracted. Self pleasure is all well and good, but the touch of a man grabbing me, holding me, not letting me tap out and giving me orgasmic pleasure is hard to just go without when you have heightened your experience and preference. I've had great sex and I want to continue to have great sex, on a regular basis.

*my Inner thoughts...spoken out loud*

January 2012

• Nigga you gonna learn this year. (whether the world ends or not, fuckery from other people will be put on blast and shut the fuck down) No more will be dealt with.
• If you thought I went soft and gave a fuck at any point in my life. You can believe that time has come and gone. #TeamFUCKyourFeelings is back and in full effect.
• Its not brand new if you been doing it for years. I slacked for a while because of personal reasons, but my hustle is back and I am big spending and big bank rolling this year, so get on board or get left in the dust.
• Don't worry about how I make my money, just know that I get paid and I can take care of me.
• I might talk like a gangsta, get ahead like a gangsta, but i'm no gangsta; Just a strong, powerful woman in control. Don't confuse my feminine parts for weakness, I can hang with the big boys ;)
• As far as what you know about me sexually, either from personal experience or reading this blog, I have a hearty appetite in and out of the bedroom. Me being a big girl is not a weakness or and obstacle. I love pleasure just as much as the next girl, and I will get it anyway I see fit. 

Just a few things you should know about me for this year.

So I am planning my birthday...

Yes it is 2 1/2 months away, but I am going out of town. Las Vegas to be exact and I am thoroughly excited about the thought. I do however wish to have a gathering of friends and family on my birthday not sure exactly when though, because I will be gone March 30th-April 2nd...hmmm? Still thinking...

I still remember

I still remember laying there lifeless
a shell in my body
feeling completely empty.

I wanted it to end,
feeling disgraced and like it was my fault
I wore a dress that night
maybe showed a little to much cleavage.

Asking for it
I knew what I was doing right?
I must have,
wearing the tightest hottest dress that would flatter my body.

I looked like the baddest chick there.
Freshly turned 18 and ready for this party.

We flirted from the time I got there.
He made me a drink and it was pretty strong, but I was more mature now right?
I could handle it.
I'm a grown up playing with the college kids.

We danced till my feet hurt,
He showed me to the back room so I could
"lay down and relax"
Even offered me a foot massage

He went and brought me some water,
but it tasted different even a little weird.
I didn't think anything of it.

I couldn't see the door at this point
Not sure if the lights are out or my eyes are closed.
but I can feel someone touching me
Breathing on me
Their tongue in places I wasn't okay with

He lays on top of me and whispers in my ear,
"You are such a pretty girl"

I can feel a tear fall out of the corner of my eye
As he penetrates my body
I lost my essence in that moment.

It may have only lasted a few moments but
It will stay in my heart and mind for an eternity.

He gets dressed and leaves me there exposed
like a whore on display.
My body feels numb and I can't move.

On the inside I feel ashamed and disgusted.
I am never again going to be me.
Trying so hard to let out my voice,
I can only push out tears of sadness.

The shell of the girl I used to be remains.
I claw my way into a dark corner to hide from it all.
Physically I am fine.
Emotionally I am toxic.

Stained, Damaged, and scared for the rest of my life.

Flavor of January

Resolutions and generosity

3 Resolutions

• Dream Bigger and Accomplish more.
• Get my core happy so it pushes through.
• Explore things I said I would never do.

What I want!

I want more from you. Simple as that.

I want better love

I want quality time

I want the treasure that is your heart

I want deeper strokes

I want higher motivation

I want you to be the best you to bring out the best me.

I want us where we need to be.

I wish you didn't make me cry...

The words that flow from your lips bring tears to my eyes.

You make me cry tears of joy, of passion and on occasion sadness.

I want you to feel what I feel, not so you can be hurt like me, but so you understand me

From the deepest parts of my soul and heart I have love for you.

But I still wish you didn't make me cry.