I Swear...

What angers me most about him is not that he kept breaking my heart, not that he finally loves himself, not even that he is no longer a part of my life, its the fact that I'm the one that has to deal with the emotional baggage of having gotten excited about the possibilities of him again and he proving to me why I shouldn't have given him yet another chance. He has never been worth the turmoil because he never really loved me as much as he said he did, and come to think of it he never really could. I sat down and had a conversation with him about why I should even deal with him at this point and I went against all of my rules and red flags because I still loved him and gave him one more chance to be in my world. From the deepest part of my heart, my soul, my being, FUCK HIM. Don't come around my house, don't call me in a year, forget you even know me. I don't care if my whole family is murdered and its on the news, I don't want to hear from you ever again. I hate you in the deepest parts of my heart. I don't even want you to be happy is how much I hate you right now. I'm sure it will lessen over time, and I will hope happiness finds you, but at this point FUCK YOU. I don't want to be angry, but to give someone so much of your energy for bullshit...makes me so mad. I planned a life you, what our wedding would be like, what our home would be, how we would support each other. You gotta be out your fucking mind if you think I have any love left for you. I'm done with you and with us.

On the sad side of 25...

I recently had my 26th birthday and I'm feeling some kind of way about my lack of progress at this point. I have lots of things that I am excited about, but have yet to complete. My goals for the rest of the year include:

1. Publishing my book Mistress: A Dangerous Love Affair
2. Launching "Behind Closed Doors"
3. Make my exercise regime a cycle/begin training to help coach the softball team next year.
4. Build my writing audience

So with that being said, I have a lot of work to get to. I love and appreciate all of the people that have followed, read and supported my blog over the years. I will continue to update this blog and 

Fluffy Hair, Curvy Hips, Full Lips but I will be heavily focused on my list above. I know this won't be a great big loss since I've been slacking anyway, but this is my personal commitment to you all and to myself for the rest of the year. I want you all to hold me accountable as I go through this process. 30 will be here soon and I want to have something to show for it ;)

Just Some Thoughts...

• Don't love a man that has never shown you love. He will never actually love you no matter what he says.
• Be free with adventure and careful with heart. Enjoy the companionship of men in your world, but don't give your heart to everyone that's fun.
• I want a love that is so nontraditional, nobody thinks we will make it, but nobody knows us together like we do.
• Have fun with sex. Don't take it so seriously. Yes you should be careful fr STDs and Pregnancy, but don't let that outweigh the pleasure.
• If you want to be in someone's life, let it be known. Don't fight for a spot in someone's world and don't audition for a role that someone else is being placed in.
• I don't need a fairy tale. I don't need it to be perfect. I just need to know that you want to ride for me like I ride for you.
• I'm sick of my heart aching. I'm just going to do me, because I try to love others and they either stomp on it or lose it.

We can't rise as a people...

The tragedy in the black community is the actual lack of community. We come together in sorrow and become silent in prosperity. Friendly advice makes people defensive instead of cared for. So quick are we to dismiss others of similar backgrounds when united our culture is strong and divided we are the joke. Far too often have we proven that large percentages of the white culture appropriate our heritage to claim originality when in reality the only creation they have is the false ideals of originality.

Better without you...

I'm addicted to hating you. I feel like if I love you, I lost. It's like its I will have rewarded bad behavior. I loved you when you didn't love yourself. I loved you when I didn't love me. You don't want to take an L, but you damn sure don't deserve a W.  I don't know much about love, but if having you feels like a loss and not having you is a win, what are we fighting to keep. Every time I give you me you distance yourself, yet when I tell you that you've lost me you come running to try and keep me. I'm not a plant that you can neglect as long as you water it occasionally.
If you can't be with me in the struggle, then you don't deserve to be with me in the prosper. I don't need millions, I just need to be comfortable, but most importantly I need you. You never see that I would hustle with you from the bottom to the top, because you too wrapped up in only being with me at the top.
I hate having the short end of the stick with you, when you and I both know I deserve more. Just like you need a woman that doesn't have the emotional baggage of being with you in the hard times.