Happy New Years Eve!!

While I know many of my friends are out partying it up and ringing in the new year tonight with drunken escapades, comedy shows and possibly some poor decisions that they will find joy in later, I will be at home tonight resting up from my stay at the hospital and getting better. I love and appreciate all those that called and text me while I was down for the count so to speak, and checked on my well being and made sure I was doing alright. It was most of my usual suspects and some surprises, which I am pleased about. But enough about that, it is the last day of 2012 and I am glad I made it to the end. I hope everyone enjoys their parties, cuddling, and/or shows tonight. Happy New Years and Happy Holidays!

 Before I forget, I want to wish my sister a Happy Birthday. She is an amazing woman that has a lovely husband and beautiful child. She deserves the world and more so everyone have an extra sip for her!

2012: A Reflection of the Times

Let me start out by saying I had a lot of fun this year, a lot of laughs, a lot of memories made. To the counter, I had a lot of heartache, a lot of cries, and a lot of things I wish had gone differently. So with every year ending people always make the same promises to do better, to be better, and to change completely from who they were. I'm not going to do that, because realistically I am who I am, small changes will yield big results, but 2013 for me is about improving who I am.
Some Highlights of the year:

• my beautiful energetic niece was born in my awesome month of March
• I got closer with some good friends
• I learned to let love in
• my dad and I built our relationship back up
• my sister visited a few times with the baby so I got to play and get to know her little personality
• built some great friendships on the internet (tumblr, twitter, facebook, google +, and instagram)
• had some amazing sexcapades
• random summer missions and fun adventures
• trips to San Diego

Just to name a few of the highlights of the year, these made my year worth living and I want to repeat and continue these in the coming year. I would also like to propose a little list of things I'd like to see accomplished in 2013. We will see if I can get there soon or not, but I'm putting the good vibes out there to make it happen.

• publish a book
• successfully launch my passion party business
• journal/blog much more often
• be open to more experiences in the love department and be patient
• make more memories

So 2013 lets let the good times keep on rollin!

A plaguing question...

Why is it so hard for me to let me be happy?

I messed up a situation with a potentially great guy, because I wasn't patient. But looking back at it, its hard to trust my judgement on the whole situation. To many factors to take into consideration.

• We had an understanding between us, and then feelings changed (on both ends)
• He couldn't give me what I wanted, but didn't want to let me go
• I couldn't give him what he wanted, but I didn't want to let him go
• He's still figuring himself out, and I'm good with where I am
• It hurts to think we could have done something great together

Things like this happen and my quick decision making may have shot me in the foot, but I hope it's not a wound that won't heal. It may be wobbly, but hopefully in time it will get better, but until then, I guess I suffer through my mistakes and learn from them.

Post 300!!!!!

Well it has been about 3 years since I started this blog and I have finally made it to post 300. We have shared many stories, topics of interest, and my creativity with my own sexuality. Kisses to all those that have been there since the beginning and to all those that are there now. I Love You!!

Love Always,

Dymond Diva

How do I know it's real?

My soul is tainted by the negativity run rampant in my choices.
My mind broken to the ideas of happily ever after.
My body used and abused by life, love and the journey.
My spirit gone only to be replenished by God's grace when I truly accept him.

This world doesn't always feel like we are meant to be together, so at night before I slumber, I pray that tomorrow brings clarity. My emotions and my actions being tested by what is to come, giving false hope for survival and masked by fake strength. Perseverance determined by still being alive, but if all I am is an empty shell am I really alive or am I conforming to what the world expects me to be when given life?

How do I know what's real and meant to be, when I am surrounded by fake truths and false prophets?

-untitled-

"The strength of a man doesn't come from the power he can control in his muscles, it comes from the integrity of his heart and the showcase of his character. " -Dymond Diva

10 Things to get done before 30

1. Publish a book: whether it is my" memoir so far" or my collection of sex chronicles. 
2. Cross Country Road Trip: Pack up for three weeks and see the sites of the nation. Either in an RV or a rental car.
3. Passion Parties: Done my way. No cut and dry script or set packages. Me being a hostess, knowing what i'm doing, what i'm talking about, and socializing these women to get the pleasure they deserve from sex. 
4. Get Healthy: Not just lose weight, but get better eating patterns and a regular exercise routine.
5. Love: Not sex or getting married or anything unrealistic like that, but love myself, be open to accepting love and giving love to others.
6. Travel to Exotic Places: Places that I have never been, places I want to explore fully and places I can rediscover culture.
7. Move Out of LA: For a while, like a year or so. These are a few places i'm considering, New York, San Francisco, New Orleans, Atlanta, and Houston.
8. Learn a new language: become as fluent as possible and travel to the country of origin to experience it fully.
9. Volunteer: mentor program, soup kitchen, sexual abuse counseling, or some other variety.
10. Date: demand better from my suitors and offer more as a woman. 

Can I Just Say....

• If you know more about reality shows and celebrity gossip than you do current events, we might need to re-evaluate our friendship.
• When you think its cute to be ratchet and be on the guest list at every "Hollywood" event instead of taking care of your children, we don't have anything to talk about.
• Blaming ALL of your issues on the actions of others instead of taking responsibility for it yourself, you might need to re-evaluate your life.
• If you would rather smoke a bowl/blunt than be on time for anything you are part of whats wrong with society
• When the only time you want to make changes in your life are at the end and beginning of the year, you're just sad, because change can happen at any time in the pursuit of growth.

These are just a few of my rantings, that have really been weighing on my heart. So much foolishness I see, and it's just bothering me.

Adrenaline Junkie

Adrenaline pulsing through my body, all I want is your body on top of mine with you deep inside me. Tasting every inch of your sweaty chest as you thrust deep within my pussy walls. I bite you, and I grip my freshly manicured nails into your back. You let out a manly grunt and dig deeper inside me. I release a moan of ecstasy as you have reached a pleasure unknown to me before. I can't hold back the screams of deep penetration. When I climax my body quakes and my legs shiver. I am utterly satisfied and yet my body is glutton for more of you. You slide out of me making me quiver and shake with the slow anticipation of you thrusting back in me. After you leave my body I wrap my legs around your ankles so that I may grip your hard dick around my lips and deep down my throat. Surprised by my actions you grip my sheets and curl your toes. Popping up and grabbing my hair, I slide you down my throat and when I come up I grab your shaft and begin stroking. Up and down in a smooth motion with a twist at the top I grip it a little tighter. With your dick so hard I can feel the veins throbbing ready to blow so I stop and climb on top of you. I want to feel you explode inside me. So as I slide down on top of you I can feel you release against my walls and cream on the lips of my pussy as I pop up off your dick. I collapse on the bed next to you staring at the ceiling as I listen to your heart beat and relax in perfect unison, thinking about the next time we meet for some adrenaline.

So what's on the table?

Well let me start by saying going through therapy wasn't easy, dealing with my past trauma and relationship baggage. When I started healing, I knew things would be alright. So let me get back to the title of this post, What's on the table? I had a long conversation with one of my friends whose opinion I trust. I told her children are still not on the table, but me being open to the idea of marriage is there. So if I find someone that wants to marry me as much as I want to marry them, we can maybe make this happen. Just wanted to put that good juu-juu out there. I am no longer running from love and true happiness with a companion. My wise friend told me that no matter if you are married or not, everyone needs a lifelong companion. Truer words were never spoken.

Show Me What You Mean

Love me like the girls you look at when we're together.

Give me attention like you give your boys when we kick it.

Cherish our time together when I'm not fucking your brains out.

Want me the way I wanted you in the  beginning. 

I guess that's too much to ask from a man that thinks he's too good for me.

I guess it too easy to get lost in craziness that is life.

I guess I wasn't worth the extra effort.

Be the man that your momma raised you to be.

Be the man that your father taught life lessons to

Be the man that your parents showed how to love, not how your boys conditioned you to.

I Feel Some Type of Way...

You ask me where my boyfriend is, as a compliment to say that you find me attractive so I should have a boyfriend. Yet in the same moment before that, you ask me for my number. What does that say about your perception of me that I would even give you my number if I was talking to some one else. So your backhanded compliment has now turned in to my own evaluation of your mentality. You think all women would be that foul, probably because a woman you dealt with in the past has treated you that way. So you hold it against me when I've done nothing but be in your presence. Like the title says, I feel some type of way, because you have now started this off on a negative note, and i really don't think it is possible to recover.

Growth Within

Accepting my own flaws and shortcomings and learning from them to be a better me, I have come to realize that I am ready for a partner that can truly appreciate the love I have to give. I have a past that is no longer me, and I have a future that I intend to grab hold of completely. I need someone with the mental capacity to challenge me and the physical capacity to satisfy me. I need him to learn from me as a I learn from him, feeding each other knowledge and growing in character, success and love. Whole hearted acceptace of the things we can and cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference. Things worthy of fighting for in each other and not losing our identities because we have come together, but rather playing off of them to shine even brighter.

Yeah...I'm ready for this type of love...

Can you Learn?

Things I wish I could have said...

to a couple of my exes...

I can live with a broken heart, tending to the battle scars of love, but I can't live with a man that is selfish enough to say he still loves me after breaking my heart. If you left me, that means my heart isn't over you, like you are over me. For you to make yourself feel better and make it seem not so bad by saying you still love me, is only going to hurt me more when you move on and I have reinvested in your lies of mutual love. It is hard to let anyone go, this is just a fact, and holding onto them once you let them go giving hope to something that will never be is a cruel way of living life. So if you are a past love and you're reading this, let me go. Just let go, because I have let all of you go, keeping only the lessons and memories.

Exactly What I Needed...

My good-bye to you, because he is everything you're not, and in the midst of me realizing you're not it, he made sure he was it, for me. His smile lit up the room in the darkest of night. He grabbed me close while I danced with him, and I rode him like you wished I would have done for you. He penetrated my body in ways you fell very short. He was exactly what I needed to move on from you. The sweet taste of him inside me as he hit deep down my throat and the edges of my walls, will always be something you could never understand. So I hope you enjoy who ever puts up with your shit, because my rebound has replaced any thought of you. He is everything you're not, and in the midst of me realizing you could never be it, he made sure he was it, for me. Raw passion and unwavering ecstasy brought on by flirtatious vibes, stolen glances, and intimate kisses. He is exactly what I needed.

Things I Live By

These are a few things people should know about me to better understand who I am and where I'm coming from when they interact with me. So sit back and enjoy!

1. Don't give a fuck what others think. Talk all the shit you want to, because it won't break me, I got me. I'm gonna do me and nothing and nobody can change that.
2. Challenge Authority. Not in a condescending manner, but make it known that you are not an idiot and will not put up with such foolishness. 
3. Let go of past heartache and keep hold of the lessons. Don't let it dictate your life or your happiness.
4. Indulge in things that make you happy. I don't mean in a greedy or unhealthy way, but take the time to enjoy the things that put a smile on your face and warmth in your heart.
5. Spontaneous adventure is good for the soul. Don't be reckless, but live a little. Step outside your comfort zone and push the limits of the norm. Only you can live your life, so live it to the fullest!
6. Don't stress over the small things. This is something I'm working on personally, but I stand behind it all the way. Stressing over things you cannot change only hurts you in the long run.

I can't give away all my secrets, but these are a few I think are shown in my everyday actions. If you have any questions, ask away! I'm always here to answer them :)

You're the past, so stay there!

• Why do my good vibes of my own happiness always manifest in the world and send signals to the tough past relationships to stir the pot and truly test me? 
• Why can we only be friends when I'm hung up on you, but not when you are hung up on me? 
• Why is it that the moment I'm dating or happy with someone new, you always pop out of all places tempting me to come back with tall tales of you've changed, and this time will be better? 
• Why do I allow you to break my heart every time?

Just a few things running through my mind when I think about a couple of dudes from my past. You guys do the same thing around the same time every year. I hope you had fun this time, because its the last time I allow you back in my world. We have nothing to say, and we have nothing left to do. I told Him to protect me from my enemies and I lost you and other friends. You have tested me for the last time, my patience for you is done, my tolerance of you is over, my heart no longer beats to your drum but now my own. You are no longer in rhythm with me so our song is over, our melody lost and tune complete. 

Down and Out for a While

I hate doing the woe is me posts, but ya girl is really feeling down. Not even needing to vent, but my mentality is not up to par right now. I am feeling something sad deep within that may have been suppressed for a while, and is now forcing its way out. So if I'm mean or grumpy with you, I'm so sorry, don't take it personal. I gotta let out the emotion in a constructive way before I destroy friendships and prospective relationships ;)

Don't worry, I'll be back to my usual self in no time, stay tuned for my cynical side to come out for a bit, and possibly my mushy side.

Love always,

Dymond Diva

Mixed Signals...Damn!

The cold part about sending mixed signals, is when you do it yourself, without realizing. I had a pretty deep conversation with one of my closest girlfriends, and she really put me on game. I don't intentionally do it, but shit happens right? So let me explain the situation a little, Girl meets boy at party, instantly click. Boy invites girl and friend back to his house with his friends. Girl and boy go off to have a little fun. girl gets drunk and gives her number to guys friend, because her phone is dead and he was like nowhere to be found. fast forward two weeks, girl gets invited to house party at the same house. Guy calls girl out on giving her number to friend, but friend lied and said girl asked for his number. Girl has written friend off as a decent person, so Guy and Girl flirt some more and end up hooking up. Girl talks to guy about kicking it again one on one, guy gets defensive and act like girl is trying to date him. WHOA there guy, girl just said she liked him and wanted to get to know him better because he's cool people. nobody is trying to pursue you like a relationship. We can be friends that mess around. so it was left at that.

What I want/ expect from him:

• a cool dude to kick it with occasionally
• someone to hook-up with when the mood strikes
• someone that knows how to function and can actually hang with my drinking
• a nice set of dudes that can function with me and my girls.

 What he heard and freaked out about

• She wants to hang out one on one and date me
• She wants a relationship
• She's gonna get mad over stupid stuff cause she's a girl. and girls do that
• She's 24 I'm 30ish this is gonna get complicated and I'm gonna hurt her

 So if I sent off the below vibe but what I said was the above statements, I understand the confusion and I wish I could explain that without sounding crazy. I guess all I can do is wait till I see what he does and slowly explain myself, if not oh well, you live you learn, you find a guy with a bigger penis ;)

All I Need ;)

Kirko Bangz - Drank in my Cup

Memories of Passion

The sweet aroma of your masculinity roams the air when I walk through the house. Every deep inhale makes me miss you even more. The times you caress my hair bringing your finger around my face always making its' way down to my breasts. The smooth cup of your hands on them as you slowly turn subtle moments of peace and serenity into bouts of heat and passion. Kissing down my neck to turn it up, because you know how much I like it. Our lips connect and I instantly melt in your arms. I turn to face you, but instead I climb on top of you, straddling your legs in anticipation. I take it slow as do you, kissing deeply, making eye contact with every slide down your thighs. I glide all the way down pulling your shorts with me. Having you in my sights my eyes get big like its the first time I've seen it, and I can't wait to taste you. I wrap my plump lips around you and take you deep within my mouth, spit dripping from my lips as I slide smoothly up and down making you harder and harder with every movement. I stroke your dick as I flick the tip with my tongue. Grabbing in a rapid fashion I stroke you taking you deep within my mouth every motion. I pull my hands away and let you go deeper down my throat. Every time I gag on your dick it turns me on further, making me slippery wet. My sweet essence ready for you to taste. Putting your fingers inside me to feel my warmth and when you pull them out they are soaked. Yours eye light up at the glisten on your fingers and you taste to see if it is just what you imagined. No longer able to contain your excitement, you rip off my lacy panties and thrust your manhood deep within my pussy walls. Barely able to fit all of you inside me I let out moan after scream. Penetration so deep I try to crawl away almost unable to handle all of you. When you pull me back to take it, I smile, your dominance entices me. As you are bent over on top of me thrusting deep, you tease my nipples which turns me on and makes squeeze my pussy lips tighter around your dick. Almost at climax you flip me over to go deeper. The first thrust from this angle make me explode in euphoric pleasure. So you gently wrap your fingers around my neck and pull me closer. My pussy walls pulsating around your dick, my legs shaking, I can't take anymore, but I want it.  Every thrust making me weaker, but my heart racing even faster. I can hear the smile in your voice when you ask me if I've had enough. I say I can keep going, and you do. I refuse to tap out, but I want to taste your juices. I stop you from stroking inside me so I can finish the job for myself. Sucking the tip of your dick you try to hold on, to keep the pleasure coming. When you finally cum in my mouth I lick up every drop that slides down my hands, and swallow it.
The simple scent of you in the air has brought back memories, when you walk in to find me playing with myself, I bite my lip and you know what I really want. I want to relive it over and over again.

-untitled-

Drown me in the sorrows of yesterday
So I can be brought back to life in the smile of tomorrow.

Take away the suffering of my people
So I can thrive in the future.

Breathe life in to hatred
So I can truly appreciate love.

Show me the difference in my skin and yours
So I can show you where the ignorance begins and ends.

Life without me is a nightmare
So to be in my presence is a dream

He put me on this earth to show you the way
So can lead an army of his soldiers to him.

Don't turn your back on my King
So as to miss out on where you should be living.

Nectar of The Gods

Taste the juice of my body while I sip on the nectar you provide me.
Delighting in the sweet diet of fruits you enjoy on the daily.
Making love to you excites me,
Not knowing what's next,
But always surprised with the outcome.

The sexual presence of your being makes me smile,
Every thrust inside me makes me moan.
The deeper you go the louder I get.

Making puddles of our passion on the bed,
Leaving me soaked. 
Only for you to drink from my martini glass
The juice you worked so hard to collect.

Our bodies lifeless, but satisfied.
You have excited every nerve in my body
while I have drained every pore in yours.

Sex Decisions

Shameless nights of drunken sex
Turning into reckless love stories
Of wandering hands and inquiring minds.
True passion never being met,
But lustful desires fulfilled.

Summer loving is just a melody,
Prescribed by the self made doctor of music relationships.
Dreaming of what could have been,
What should have been,
What never will be,
But what we hope to get back.

Letting the media influence the decisions I make,
telling me its okay to wait, but shaming me when I don't
So confused on what love to give, because I can't get no love in return.

Our bodies engulfed in passion,
never realizing its fake.
Faked orgasm, faked love, faked trust.
Waking up the next day,
Regretting what happened,
Trying to figure out what to do.
Hoping I can leave you with no memory of our encounter,
knowing you gossip just as much as girls do.

Shameless nights of drunken sex
Turning into reckless love stories
Of wandering hands and inquiring minds.
True passion never being met,
But lustful desires fulfilled.

My Heart Ache

My love for you was hotter than a summer day.
The pain you left me is colder than a winter night.
We hoped for a happier time,
But our weaknesses defined us.
My trust issues,
And your lack of commitment.
Swearing things will be different one day.
Yet everyday still being the same.
I can't love you like I want to,
Like I used to.
With everyday behind us,
I draw in the strength of others,
The hope that I will move on.
Breathing life into my own hope,
That I will be happy again.

Ways I Can Tell It Has Been Too Long

~ When the bass in my car vibrates my seat a little too much. (making me a little moist)
~ I snap at folks that say Hi in the morning. (like why are you so happy)
~ I reconsider things I would have said no to if I just got some. (cheating, the type of dude, or venue)
~ I get a little bolder, a little flirty, a little inappropriate.
~ Everything has sexual undertone. (from food to parts of conversations)
~ I drunk text exes and past booty calls I wrote off as no longer being acceptable.

Just a few warning signs...that I need to pounce ;-)

The Past, Present and Future

Everyone has a few skeletons in their closet, I am no exception. The main difference being, I have nothing to hide. I wear my mistakes on my sleeve, because without them, you wouldn't know the fabulous chick you see before you. I don't give a FUCK what any lame ass bitch has to say about me. If I fuck with you, you already know me, If I don't why are you wasting time talking about me. It's gonna get back to me regardless, and you're a BITCH NIGGA for gossiping to begin with. If you want to know the truth about me, ASK ME, because I'll tell you. No man or woman can judge me or shake my core. I gives a fuck about you and your ignorant mind, so please believe if I see you in the streets we're not friends so I will treat you as such. We got nothing to talk about. Don't hug me, don't speak, just keep it pushing. As far as what's next for me, I got many things in motion, and I don't need gossiping, sneaky, messy bitches and whack niggas in my world.

To My Best Friend, My Dream Chaser....

It was fun having the idea of you as my love for life. Truer words were never spoken than when you said to me that your dad's best friend is his ex-wife. They were better friends than lovers. We are better at chasing the dream than we ever could have been together. I think about the last 5 years and everything we have been through, and for some reason I keep letting you back in, even though I know you always break my heart. You want what you want from me, and say you care about my happiness, but do you mean it is the question that plagues my heart. The best thing for the both us is to move on. I'm not good for you, and you're not good for me. The last time you heard my voice has come and past. I wish many more years of happiness and success in all that you do, and all that you are to become. I can't hold my life for you anymore. We have grown apart as we have also grown up. we aren't 19 and 21 anymore, we are so far beyond those years in this short time that I am not the same and neither are you. My heart always beats for you, but my drum needs this solo. I will miss you terribly, but it's a heartache I can recover from.

Music Post

This song gives me life EVERY TIME I listen to it, so I wanted to share with you all :)

A few things about me and sex

1. I enjoy sex, trying new things, new venues, new people. If you feel like I should shelter my urges and keep the cookie to myself, you weren't raised right. Sharing is caring, just don't let everyone grab a piece, save it for those you like and are worthy of such a delicious treat.
2. Bitches that talk about how good their pussy is, are the exact same as Boys who talk about how big their junk is. Nobody believes you, because you are all talk.
3. If you know me, and ask to see my nipple piercings I will most likely just pop out my boob. I love how it looks, and who doesn't mind seeing titty.
4. I enjoy giving head almost as much as getting good stroke game, but that doesn't mean i will suck up any dude that tries to get me. I'm picky about what I put in my mouth

Just a few things I needed to get off my chest. I have to remind myself that not everyone views sex like I do, but I know there are others out there. I can talk about what I like for days, which is why I started the book "More Than You Can Handle". I need to finish, too many people keep asking me about it. 

BOSSMAN

I think this video speaks for itself.

Summer Passion

Summertime with the weather being right and the breeze being fresh, the best moments between me and him occur.  I want his body as I watch him work, tending to the lawn mowing the grass as I wish he was mowing me. The fan blows on the front porch picking up the slack in between the wind. Fresh lemonade in the pitcher I call his name, "Thomas, would you like a glass?". He shuts his machinery off to come hither. I suck on the straw as he approaches, and with my lips pursed around the tip of it, he just smiles. He knows what's in my eyes as I look him over. His skin being sun kissed and lightly covered with sweat. He is all man, strong hands and build. I want his body pressed against mine, experiencing pure ecstasy in summer bliss. He leans over to whisper in my ear, but picks me up instead. Almost thrown over his shoulder, he carries to the bedroom and lays me down. No underwear in the summer time he goes to work on my pussy, tasting my juices instantly. His hunger for me is intoxicating, while my legs shake from the pleasure I am drunk in passion and peaking in climax over and over again. He has taken my lust and made it his. Getting one last shiver out before he rips my dress off completely. While I am naked and hungry for him, he turns it back to me and decidedly pins me back down only to undress his long throbbing dick. My eyes wide with excitement, he thrusts inside of me and filling in perfectly. Moans turning into screams of euphoria, my optimum excitement has been exceeded. What I thought would be my dominance in his pleasure turned out to be his plan of attack on mine. When he climaxes he pulls out and explodes his manly juice all on my stomach making me laugh and giggle. It was a welcome end to taste and see. Pulling up his pants he goes back to work grinning and satisfied while I go back to sip lemonade on the porch and watch him work.

Stella Rosa and Life Contemplation

This right here can be a cold mix, but in other cases eye opening. I am learning that what I need and what I want are so far from where I am. I want more out my job, my love, my family and friends. I need to be happy with what I am blessed with before I throw it all away.

I need for my life to be more than drunken nights and hook-ups.
I need for my life to be more than baked goods and making others happy.
I need for my sorrow and pain to stop haunting my joy and happiness.

I am perfectly content with where I am, but for me to be happy and stress-free I need more. I'm capable of it. I might not be the best mother fucka at everything, but I am damn good at what I set my heart to.

But all I can do for now is be the best at where I am, till I can be the best at what makes me truly happy.

Don't mind me y'all this is just the Stella talking...the frustration talking...the lack of faith in me talking.

Sex Walking...

not what you might think reading that title, but none the less, I am talking about shoes. I love high heels, mostly in the bedroom, but I love them all the same. I was looking over my pinterest and I noticed my slight addiction to re-pinning them. I am a flip flop/barefoot girl at heart, but when it comes to grabbing hold of them mothafuckas in the bedroom nothing gets me wet faster. The sensuality they add and the sex appeal when wearing nothing a pair of those bad boys is utterly priceless. The higher the better, and the more colorful the easier to mix and match with lingerie and my skin tone. There is no downfall to wearing high heels unless you're walking from club to club.

My New Struggle

I guess I have a tendency to care about the things people over look, but if we didn't have people like me in the world, where would the big picture people be. Lost and more frustrated than I am when dealing with them. Whether it is in relationships, friendships or work, this is an issue that comes up. People always want to look at the end result with out taking into consideration the process. True balance within self comes from understanding of others and making it work. I'm here, just waiting for you join the club.

10 Things You Should Know About Me! (*Revised*)

1. I put up with a lot of shit before I cut you off. I work through it and try to overlook it, but when I'm done it will be like we never knew each other.
2. My sexual preference is often, so please believe I don't care what anyone has to say. I'm gonna do me. Sleep with whoever I choose whenever I choose. 
3. To butter me up do not send flowers. They die and then I am left with a mess. If I have to clean up extra you will not be around long.
4. Do not be clingy. Pretty straight forward, if you do not have your own life and other friends, we can never be. I need my space
5. Marriage is sacred to me. I take it very seriously, so it will take a lot for anyone to convince me that it is worth it in today's society to be an endpoint option in a relationship. Do something that shows me its real.
6. Tie me up, choke me a little, smack my ass, and I am putty in your hands. I like it rough, savage and passionate.
7. I will call you stupid six ways before you ever realize and I will say it with a smile. Push my buttons and you will see just how far I will go and just how much I can take.
8. I do not consider myself bi-sexual, but I have enjoyed getting it in with a sexy thick female before.
9. I am not looking for love in the near future, but I'm not hiding either. Things happen the way they do for a reason. 
10. I love hard, I play hard, I work hard, I party hard. I want to end up at my grave worn out and lived in not pristine and kept.

Definition of FLING:

Fling: making an intimate connection with someone for a short time with no intention of long term commitments. Not always sexual, can be non-sexual as in finding a new activity, taking a class, or traveling solo where you meet someone.

The best flings are with people that aren't from the same place as you. If they are visiting from another state or country it is a perfect opportunity to make a memory that the two of you can share for a lifetime even though you will never meet again.

The worst flings are with people that end up stalking you or catching feelings. They do outlandish things such as move to the same city as you or befriend you/your friends on social networking sites. They try to make whatever you had with them last, and try to trap you with commitment instead of letting go.

Plans for the summer:

You can either get on board or get out of my way!!!

• Wine tours in Temecula
• Trip to Las Vegas
• Learn a new skill
• Go to the Beach 25 times and take pictures each time
• Summer Fling*
• EPIC SUMMER BBQ!!
• Have sex in a public area during daylight hours [towards the end of summer after I get it in with the workouts ;-) ]
• San Diego Trip for beaches and booze and the MEN!!!
• Santa Barbara Weekend

*Fling to be defined in later post

Summer Time...Summer Time...

The sun is getting warmer and the shorts are getting higher. It is that special time of year when summer flings are the best and groupie lists at an all star level. The thing I love most about the summer is that simple breeze you get when you have raw passionate sex on a blanket outdoors. Getting ready for the Stroke season, so fellas make sure your rhythm is down pact and ladies make sure you keep your feet and nails done. Summer Lovin' ain't get called that for no reason ;)

The Senses Within Us

Touch me in a way that drives me wild
Kiss me in a way that the thought lingers
Love me in a way that I will never forget
Challenge me in a way that betters my spirit
Taste me in a way that exhausts me
Smell me in a way that excites you

He Is More Than Just My Man...

If I wanted you, I'd have you.
Stop acting like some rare commodity,
When all you are is just another nigga trying to front like a good man.

I have walked away from men better than you,
So don't think you'll be an exception.
I won't settle for less,
I won't play your games,
I won't be a fool for you.

I found a better man,
He pleases me.
From my head to toes,
from my heart to soul,
from my mind to body.

He is everything I need and want in a man.
He is everything I wanted you to be.
He is my Man.

With smiles in my heart, and glow in my face,
I am truly happy being alone but with him.

<3

The Pressure...

I hate the feeling of having to be "ON", like I have to be upbeat, happy and turned up full blast all the time. What I feel like people fail to realize is that every sun sets, every rainbow ends and every Diva needs a break. When it comes to my writing, I enjoy when people like it. I feel inferior when I put out a piece and people rave about it, and then come with something new and get no love. If I am not overly happy, I'm grumpy. If I snap back, its my "black woman attitude". If I have an attitude or keep it blunt, I don't mean it disrespectfully, I just don't feel like being "ON". I'm not an entertainer, so I don't intend on being perfect or putting on shows. I'm gonna do me and if you don't like it sometimes, you can deal with it. 

Party Till You Cum...

Having had a boyfriend all through high school, I didn’t pay much attention to the boys in my high school; At least not until I came back from college and everybody got amazingly hot. We are starting a new tradition of having summer barbecues, and as adults we enjoy the drink, the food and the company of seeing friends we may not get to see all the time. I spend most of the day helping my best friend set up while indulging in beers and mixed cocktails. By the time the first guests arrive I am feeling pretty good, a little loose off the goose if you will. Kyle walks in, and I am in the midst of flirting with another young man, and I can feel my jar drop a little bit. I haven’t seen him since high school graduation and now I am full grown. He meets and greets with everyone and I just sit there keeping an eye on him while flirting with the other young man. I am drinking this whole time, but still having fun being the life of the party. We have a number of people coming through here and another one of our high school friend’s parties down the street. So I decide to kick up the flirting with Kyle since guy number one is about to leave. I challenge him to go shot for shot, a little drinking game to get him as loose as me. We go back and forth flirting, and as I am getting more and more intoxicated, I have stepped up my touchy feely factor. I am rubbing on his back and chest, down his thigh and sneaking in times where I am stroking his dick. He tries hard to hide his hard dick, but it is a struggle for him. I walk away leaving him to deal with that as I go hang out with some of our other friends.

For the next hour or so, we play the flirt game just waiting for it to die down and get a moment to ourselves. The party is slowly dying down because it is getting late. People have gravitated to the house and I pull him to the side to get a little frisky. Its at least 1’o’clock in the morning at this point. We begin making out in the front yard and it is somewhat sloppy, and completely exciting. Anyone can walk by, come outside or even pull up, which only fuels my fire to do more and enjoy this ecstasy. He takes control and my pussy is on the brink of exploding. Grabbing my neck and bending me over, he penetrates me; I scream out in pain and pleasure, so he reaches forward and covers my mouth. I can’t help but moan, and with every thrust he goes deeper and brings me closer to climax. I can feel his dick pulsating inside me creating the sensation similar to that of a playful adult toy. So I reach back and play with my clit to double the pleasure and ensure maximum satisfaction. After I reach orgasm my legs are too weak to stay up to let him finish. Before I collapse completely I turn around and rip off the condom to thoroughly take in every bit of him in my mouth. I stoke his dick with a slight twist in my wrist. He moans as I flick my tongue on the tip with every movement. I grab his balls and play with them before inhaling them in my mouth to suck on them. He grabs onto the top of the gate to keep from going limp in the knees. I let go of everything and let my jaw do the work, taking him as far back into my throat as I possibly can until I can make him cum. When he reaches climax he explodes in my mouth and fills it with his warm cum. I just smile as it runs down my chin. I spit it out and grab a cup of jungle juice while I fixed myself up before re-entering the rest of the party. Even if we never hook up again, when I see him, I just smile, because we have a secret that is just ours.

More Than Expected...

I don't mind my writing being out there, I mean hell I put it on the Internet. I was a little embarrassed, because my co-workers were of course teasing me, because it is a vulnerable side of me. But my writing is deep rooted and tied to my ego. I'm proud of everything that I produce, while I need to edit a lot of my work on here, I still love every piece. If you guys are reading this, well played, I can take a joke. Not as well as I can take a dick, but that's a different story. I say this to say, this blog is me, its raw, its sexual, its personal, and emotional. I give no fucks about what people think of me, and I will always write from my soul. No matter how sensual, sexual, or emotional it is. It is always ME!

Love always,

Dymond Diva

People That Irk Me...

• people that worry about what everyone else is doing, but have not taken the time to worry about their own responsibilities
• people that drive slow as dirt and then get mad when I get in front of them
• those people that talk all extra loud at the bank...nigga i'm counting my money...STFU
• dudes don't pay attention to House Rule #1 (give warning before you cum) it is not that hard
• women that know their pussy stink, but go to the cub and dance like it doesn't
• people who correct me when i'm wrong and they're wrong...at least put me up on knowledge if you are going to be douchey
• dudes that lie on their penis (don't say you got a shotgun when you are really packing a pistol)
• women that don't suck dick. sweetie it is 2012 you need to suck it up literally
• dudes that think smashing a lot of females is attractive. no need to hide your number but no need to boast about it either.
• people that live for Christ on Sunday, but pay homage to the devil every other day
• perfectionists

Just a few types of people that irk me ;-)

Momma Needs....

Momma needs
That good good lovin,
That change how you walk lovin,
That give you a new perspective on life lovin,
That makes you walk closer to God because he's a good man lovin,

Times like these make me wonder what life would have been had I said yes.
Times like these make me wonder how close I am to having him
Times like these make me live better so he doesn't miss me.

Momma needs,

That good good lovin,
That change how you walk lovin,
That give you a new perspective on life lovin,
That makes you walk closer to God because he's a good man lovin.

When I was little I dreamed of a fairy tale ending,
now I just hope to be smiling everyday.
When I was little I dreamed of the perfect life with him
now I just hope we are good for each other



Momma needs,

That good good lovin,
That change how you walk lovin,
That give you a new perspective on life lovin,
That makes you walk closer to God because he's a good man lovin.

Momma needs to find Daddy and keep him happy,
because Daddy will already be ready to keep Momma happy!

Dear Diary,

I let him fizzle out, but with swinging arms fighting till the last bubble popped. I enjoy the thought of couple life with him, but too long have I fought to keep what was never truly mine. Delusions of grandeur is what my mind was plagued with. I wanted him to be the one so badly I denied myself the reality of our faults. Love has mistakenly been thrown around for YEARS, and to this day I don't think either of us knows what it is. If we did, it would not have been used so casually for so long. Knowing the existence of someone special is very different from being in love with them. He still tries my strength with every phone call, text message, and blog comment. I don't think I could ever completely close the door and lock it to the idea of him, but my arms are weak from trying to keep it propped open. I told him good bye and and he came back, I said I can't but he is still there. I don't know what to do with him, but as much as he won't let go, I haven't either. We shall see what is to come. I guarantee if we ever casually run into each other things would be different from the words my mind speaks. We shall see what happens next.

Love always,
Dymond Diva

Part One...

I love the way you look at me, undressing me with your eyes
Biting your lips as I slowly let my skirt drop
Passing my luscious hips
I pretend like I don’t see your eyes going over my body while I take my top off.

You run up and grab me
I let out a startling yelp
Which turns into a soft moan
As you begin kissing my neck

You know I love that
Getting me weak in the knees,
I buckle and you catch me

Caring me to the bed
Gently laying me down as you rip my legs open.
You taste me in my entirety.

With every motion I can feel myself moisten up.
With every drop being caught by your lips.
I grab the sheets squirming from pleasure
I want you to keep going, but my legs are shaking.

Screams of ecstasy radiate the halls
Passion ringing out
Euphoria explode inside me.
Satisfied to no end,
My hunger for you comes forward
I want to taste the essence of you in only one way...

Challenge Accepted

I have known him for most of my life, literally since I was in the third grade. I grew up with him being my play sister’s little bro. He was a sweet kid in my eyes, so it never even crossed my mind to do anything sexual with him. So when I went out with a group of friends including him I never thought the night would end with him in my bed having some of the best sex of my life thus far.

The evening starts in a good place having a few drinks at my house before we make the trek to a college town in the boonies as far as us city kids are concerned. We are taking shot of Hennessy laughing and cracking jokes. Now that it is time to go, we hop in my car blasting a mix CD of hip-hop, rap, and a little dancehall. The energy is very high when we arrive, and completely shut down when we walk into a near empty apartment that was supposed to be filled with people partying. They have drinks so we decide to stay. Music system fails to work; bottles running low, the only saving grace is Christian. I text him joking about how much fun we are having and how over it that we are still here. He tells me I should get a guy that is here. There is no guy here that is appealing. I like my men built strong like football players, big and muscular. The guys here are literally skinny and Ethiopian. “Skinny guys can’t handle me”. With appall in his tone he responds, “I don’t know what skinny guys you been messing with, but I put it down”. With a raised eyebrow I am intrigued in the challenge that is being set forth. Can he redeem the skinny guys in my eyes? Well he sure is talking the game like he is.

More and more flirtatious texts are sent through the course of the party, and by the time we all make it back to my house to retrieve the respective cars, I am ready to jump his bones and he mine. We wait till everyone else leaves to go inside and to let unravel everything we have been building up to this point. I rip his button up like a screen from a movie and we bust out laughing; worth it in my book. I expose his tattooed chest and to my surprise he’s not as skinny as I thought. Kissing my neck just the way I like, I want to skip all the oral and feel him inside of me. Sensing my anxious behavior he slows me down and makes his way to my soaking wet pussy lips and drinks up. He does something with his tongue that is so hard to explain, all I can say is I nearly blacked out from the intense pleasure I received. My body wasn’t ready for him. He continued pleasing me till I couldn’t take any more and just when I thought I could breathe for a moment, he grabs me, flips me over, and continues eating my pussy in the doggy style position. On the verge of squirting because I am climaxing so many times I have to stop to catch my breath. He is hungry for more, but he doesn’t know what I’m capable of doing.

Finally he takes a break; I pin him down and take his enormous dick in my mouth. Stroking the shaft as I lick the tip moving down to deep throat his whole member all I can hear are his moans of pleasure. Gripping my hair and forcing his dick in my mouth gagging on every inch. He tastes so good and I can’t wait for him to explode in my mouth so I can taste all of his juices. He pulls me up by my hair directing my body with his movements and bends me over my dresser. Pounding his rock hard cock in my pussy, so deep I can feel him touching the deepest part of my pussy wall with every thrust. I scream out in pain, but it feels so good I do not want him to stop. “Can you handle all of me?” he asks jokingly. I moan out “is that the best you got?” knowing I can barely hang on. Turns me around to kiss on my neck and grabs my throat ever so gently so that I have to gasp for a breath. My adrenaline on high and my legs weak, I lay him down to take control. I climb on top to ride his dick in every which way I can. My boobs bounce up and down like crazy, so I lean forward for him to get a mouthful. I rock back and forth on his dick popping my butt up and down with the little energy I have left in my legs. He can tell I am getting tired so he wants to finish up on top. He stands up and drops his dick inside me moving his hips around making sure I can feel all of him from this angle. With every thrust I feel him more and more; our breathing in sync I can tell he is about explode inside of me. I make him pull out at the last second so I can taste his load in my mouth. I swallow every drop of his manly juices and yearn for more, so I keep sucking his dick until he can cum one more time for me. Gripping anything he can find, I know his dick is sensitive to the touch let alone my warm inviting mouth wrapped around every inch of it. He keeps telling me to stop, but we both know I will not. I stop for a split second to say, “There is only one way to make me stop”. He grunts with pleasure and I know he wants to make it come out. He controls his breathing to focus all his energy on popping another one. I continue to stroke his dick and lick the tip till he yells out “here it comes” so I quickly swallow his dick while he erupts in my mouth. Jumping up in euphoric bliss he spanks my butt as hard as he can and lets out a grunt like it was the championship in a tennis match. I fall to the bed and lay there for a moment while I wait for him to gather himself. When he finally calms down and collapses on my bed, we are both breathing heavily with giant Kool-Aid smiles on our faces. Who would have known he could do that with his everything. He ended up in my bed and I am still amazed that it happened. Never a regret, but I can also never underestimate him again

Where is my head these days?

As many people who have been with my blog for a while can tell, I have gotten a lot more personal and a little less intimate with my blog. Don't get me wrong, I still get it in, but my emotional side needs some love too. So be prepared, my book is in the works, and steamy posts still to come.

A Letter From Daddy's Little Girl

Dear Daddy,

I love you, but some days you make it hard to like you.
You raised me well, but very flawed.
I know right from wrong, but was taught no application.
I remember the days when we were inseparable. Now it is hard for me to believe how great a man you are.
I looked to you for guidance through my childhood, and when I became an adult I realized you were just as lost.
I am not with out my own mistakes, but I face them.
I know I was troubled, but I got help.
You told me I had strength. As long as you have family you have the world.
You dislike most of yours and talk to even less.
You hide from your own flaws, you have made that clear.
You expect me to be honest with you, but you are not honest with yourself.
You have lied to me more times than I can count and you can't figure out why I hide from you.
You shame me for my flaws, but didn't teach me how to change them.
Your behavior disgusts me.
Your hypocrisy is all too familiar
Your fake perfection is no longer hidden.
You put my dreams down, giving them no faith.
You wondered why I had nothing to say, why I didn't pick a hobby
Because anything I did, you picked apart if you didn't like it.
If its not part of your fucking plan, it's wrong.
You act dumbfounded when nobody wants to talk to you or share their life with you.
Take the hint, nobody looks to down trodden people for a pick me up.
You throw money at problems to fix them.
When I look at the band-aids covering knife wounds it makes me realize you are not the man I grew up with.
In the pit of my heart I hold more anger and hate than I can bare, which saddens me to the core that I will never again be daddy's little girl.

Truly me, never again yours,

Daddy's little girl

Where I am!

My heart is damaged, bruised, beaten into submission, and still pumping. I have taken all that I can and more. You told me how I felt, what I could handle, and who I was. In doing this, you lied to me and you lied to yourself. I was born into strength, built for royalty and taught how to keep it. The core of my identity has been shaken, but I am still here. Love is not a feeling or emotion that escapes me. No man, woman or child on the face of this Earth will destroy me. Only God can judge me and only I can live for me.

Things that make my heart flutter

• Forehead kisses
• Cute quality time
• Bringing me my favorite cheesecake when I'm mad at you (plain with chocolate sauce drizzled on top)
• When you talk sports with me
• Caressing my back down my spine
• Sexing me the way i love
• Surprising me with spontaneity
• Hugging me from behind and kissing my neck
•  Holding me close to your body and grabbing my booty

The lost love of a lifetime ago

In the still of the night, I feared the lack of your presence

It made me wonder what I said or did that you didn’t like?

Are you leaving because you laid with me and you’re done?

Are you gone in the night because you don’t love me like you say you do?

I gave you everything you ever needed and wanted

Money, cars, clothes…and I was your hoe

The essence of my innocence

I can remember that moment down to the date

Down to the time

Down to the tears

I gave so much of me I lost who I was raised to be.

A Queen

I treated you like my king

The way I saw my mother treat my father

The way my grandmother treated my grand father

The way I heard stories of my Motherdear waiting on my pa pa hand and foot

Some days didn’t feel right, but I loved you so it didn’t matter

Some days were hard, but I didn’t want to be alone

I was raised by royalty

Treated like a princess

My every need catered to

I never yearned for love the way I hurt for it with you.

You have broken me down to the point where I can’t hold my head high

Because of all the self doubt you have instilled in my once strong heart and mind.

Saying what you need to, to get what you want from me

I listen like the naïve girl I was

And let you take all that I am till I am bitter and angry.

My strength was built from a negative place

So when I finally left,

I was like a fallen empire

I felt like a royal that had met the fate of the rebels.

I wanted nothing to do with men

And even though it comes from a place of fear and pain,

It was expressed through anger and callous behavior.

With time the pain is lessened,

I smile more

I laugh more

I am who I am more

I’ve taken back my throne

And now I’m waiting for the right king to put by my side

I still miss you J.

I yearn for you when I'm not in your presence. The smooth touch of your chocolate skin against my caramel brown. It would make a sweet tooth ache from the goodness to be had. I smiled when I looked in your eyes and your smile back made me blush and look away. The shy game, we know this well; biting lips to fight urges, clenching fists to say what our mouths will not allow us to, our eyes meeting filled with passion. My mind is racing with thoughts of ecstasy, as I long for your body pressed against mine. What I want you to do to me, and what I want to do to you. Tasting every inch of your chocolate, watching you melt away in my mouth. Going deeper and deeper with every swallow of your shaft, the warmth of my tongue wrapped around you, and you love it. I begin kissing along the center of your stomach as I work my way up to your neck, slowly sliding your dick past my pussy lips as I allow you to penetrate me. My breasts bouncing up and down as I ride you like a stallion.

The fought urges from the moment I fell in love with you till the moment I let you go would make a sinner blush. The hurt in my heart will never go away. Don't tell me you love when you actions say different. Don't tell me I'm yours when you do everything the opposite. Don't pull me back in if things have not changed. It is too hard to let go, when your heart doesn't want to.

The fuck I look like...

Fuck I look like
Jumping through hoops to impress you,
Mr movie star
Mr rapper (my album dropping soon)
Mr I’m just a thug trying to hustle my way out the hood
Like for real, the fuck I look like

Can’t find a man about something real, but I’m the problem
I must be too picky
I must be a slut
I must not know how to be submissive.
Shut my mouth like a good girl
Give him what he wants
While he’s out around town
And I’m sitting at home by the phone hoping he calls to give me some affection

I got so lost in the darkness of the fake that I can’t see the realness in the light.
So surrounded by the jokes, I’m suffocated with lies
Listening to false statements like a press release
“She's a non-factor babe or I didn't sleep with her she lying”

I’m gonna play my part
Sit back and wait
See what happens and try not to get lost in the mix

Nothing worse...

Than a good looking chocolate man with no sense of culture, history, or pride in self. I wanted it be more, because your character is strong, sweet and genuine. Your lust for life is sub-par and your sense of spontaneity and adventure leaves much to be desired. You look great on paper, but you are a bore in person. such a waste

He Makes Me Better...

I got lost in a sea of doubt brought on by my past relationships. I let what others did to me dictate how I acted in the beginning. I am truly sorry I did that to you. You are a better man than my last and the strength I need. I can't promise I won't have crazy moments, but this crazy moment is over. I see clearly now and I won't take you for granted. You give me butterflies when i'm around you, you make me feel cutesy. I want to spend nights cuddled up with you watching movies and then letting those movies watch us. I want everything easy in a relationship, so I can  have the fight for everything hard. You brighten my day with your nicknames and jokes. You make me think and keep me on my toes. I'm so used to stupid boys, that I wasn't using my intellect to max capacity. You challenge my mind for the better, you challenge me to be better, and you call me on my bullshit. The times when i'm not thinking and just say whatever, I think about it later and realize the stupidity. All in all, he makes me happy :)

My blind spot is no longer hidden...

I may have put to much pressure on what I wanted from him. So much so that I was blinded by my own desires instead of seeing you for you. Maybe we are in two different places, better yet, we clearly are. I thought  I could have you, the way I wanted and not the way it is. It makes me sick, because you proved my little internal theory right. No woman should pursue a man, because if he doesn't want her as bad or more than she wants him, he will never stay. In certain moments you make it seem like you're all about me, but I realized that was when it was convenient for your schedule. No i'm not used to being second place, but I know the difference between second and last. I'm not a patient woman, and It may be rude on my part to ask for others patience, but I am who I am. If you don't like it, then WALK, I don't hold it against you. You simply were not strong enough for me. So as I close this mini story, I hope you realize, you lost a good woman, you threw me to the ground and bruised my ego, but I will get the one that's right for me when hes ready to peel off the thick skin and get to my juicy center.

I keep getting asked..

Why are you single?

Long answer short, if I fucking knew don't you think I would be in a fucking relationship.

I will give you that for a long time, I wasn't interested in being tied down. I came out of my shell and blossomed late, and I wanted to explore what I really liked before I settled for something I knew. (The basis of my soon to be finished book "More Than You Can Handle"). So now that I have figured that out, I am ready to date and be in a monogamous relationship. But for some reason unknown to me, No matter how conservative or liberal I am, I have dudes lusting for my curves instead of my mind. Its flattering, because I love me, but what does that say about the vibe I put out there. So fellas tell ya cute friends I'm looking and ladies tell ya homeboys you got a cute friend. I am on the prowl and feeling good about where I am ;)

In Like...

Since I met you, you make me feel some type of way.

Looking forward to the stolen moments alone

Hoping nobody walks in the room

To steal your attention

My friends ask me who has me smiling

I tell them something new

I look at you like a mountain I want to climb

Slowly working my way up

Caressing your body

Discovering all the peaks

Lust in my eyes

Intrigue in my heart and

Connection in my mind

I struggle with building a relationship,

Because I don’t know the proper mental preparation for our correlation

I’m intimidated by your masculinity

But I desire the epitome of all that you may offer.

Flavor of the Month: March

I love March, because my birthday is the last day of it. So the flavor is is me. A little self absorbed I know, but I love birthdays, mine especially. It is a celebration of life and a year of accomplishments past. So plan on hearing lots and lots of stuff about what i'm doing and who I'm hanging with. Love you all mucho!

Flavor of the month: February

I enjoy I good book, a good laugh, a good dick.

While its very difficult to combine all three, I still enjoy them so for February, I set out to get as may of each as possible.

I read 4 new books, I had more than enough laughs, however when it comes to good dick its like its a rare cure of vast diseases. Where are the men that can get me out of this rut and kick start my groove? I felt like I was past the non-committal hook-up stage of my life, but without that, how do I survive to the next relationship without being a complete horn-dog?

So flavor of the last few days of this month is boy toys and sexual playthings.

I am who I am!

My love is mine to give, not yours to take.

My body is a shell, slowly being whole again.

My experiences may shape me, but they never define me.

Moving Forward

The essence of who I am is like a cup.

The night I was raped, 

he drank from my cup until his thirst was quenched

and I was left with a glass.

Trying to figure out who I am,

I have been filling it with all the wrong materials.
I don't hold anger in my heart, just pity.
I don't hold sadness in my mind, just relief.
I am finally ready to move on.
I am finally ready to forgive.

Tears of a fallen angel

Born of innocence
Shaped and molded by lessons
tested through experience
survived by memories.

Born into mortality
Death by living
Remaining apart of eternity
My soul is out there.

The pain of life is far worse
than the bliss of death.
Sorrow is the reality of my fatality
Happiness is the hope of my timelessness.


.

On That Night...

In the corner of my mind I still see your face.

I remember everything I did that night.

From the time I met you to the time you left me.

You called me beautiful,

But treated me like trash.

You said I was special,

But acted like it was nothing.

Deadened to the physical

Numb to the emotional

Empty to life.

Everything I am is taken away,

Broken beyond repair,

Damaged the image of my past, and

Changed the person I was supposed to be

Who am I today?

A question I ask myself everyday

My identity lost in what if questions and

Stolen by traumatic moments

The essence of the person I was has been taken from me,

Destroyed my innocence

And took my life from me.

I am expected to move on

Cope even

But how do you cope with something you will never forget?

Pushing away healthy relationships and

Turning them toxic,

Because you don’t trust anyone

Not even yourself to make the right decisions.

Relationship Cleanse

If you read my previous post, you can see that I need to let go of some things :)
At any rate I will be doing a relationship cleanse which consists of :

• No sex
• No new dates or people
• Self reflection
• Meditation
• Body cleanse

I should be done with this in about a week so I will post how i'm feeling when I return, because right now I feel like shit...lol

Got the message loud and clear

You love her...you love her more than you love me...is that the reason you still talk to her before you go to sleep and never call me anymore...for someone that is supposed to make you unhappy you sure do spend a lot of time with her...well you know what....she can have your ass...Ya'll can love each other and be happy together...no matter how long YOU pursued me I don't deserve the way you treat me...so i'm out...I don't want anything to do with you and your fucking love games...My heart is too precious to me to keep giving it to someone that doesn't really treasure it....so fucking fizzle out and don't contact me ever again...I don't want the pain and I don't want you anymore!

Nigga Why?

I feel like the thirstier a guy is the more he wants to show off his dick like that will appeal to a bitch like me. Sweetie, I appreciate your enthusiasm, but seeing your penis is not about to turn me on like when you see pussy, boobs, and ass. Nobody wants to see your circumcised or non-circumcised pink and brown dick. submitting your dick flicks to my tumblr, its a laugh riot with me and my friends...smh

I am who I am..

People either Love me or Hate me. Very rarely do they feel indifferent. Which is fine by me. But I am who I am, take it or leave it. If you don't care for it, then don't stick around, because I won't change for anyone especially someone that doesn't care the me that they met. Just a little something I wanted to make known ;)

Dear Diary,

I met a boy today. His personality is vivacious, His interest in me pure in nature but naughty in approach. I don't know if I should give him the time of day, I already have a boyfriend that I am very happy with. I gave him my number anyway. Maybe he will fizzle out and that will be the solution to my problem.

Fast Forward 1 year

Dear Diary,

This boy is still around. I don't know why? I realized when I got back to school, out of sight out of mind, but he  still calls me, just to check in. I told him I didn't think it would work, he wasn't the one for me. My old boyfriend broke my heart, but I guess this new guy stuck around long enough to try and fill that place. I'm still in college 3,000 miles away, we wouldn't work anyway. Maybe he will fizzle out now that I give him more attention. That happens sometimes, you realize you have less in common than you think.

Fast Forward 1 year

Dear Diary, 

He tells me he loves everything about me. Things are getting a little too real for me. I feel like he might actually last, but every time I give him a little piece of me, he goes ghost, and when I am MIA he is all up in my face. I don't understand him. He's the stereotype of a man when give him a piece, and different when I don't. Well I'm moving home soon, maybe things will be different, since I will be in the same city. Or maybe he will fizzle out.

Fast Forward 2 years

Dear Diary,

What the actual Fuck? This man drives me crazy. I know I do the same, this must be why we are both still here. I swear these last two and a half years I have been back home, have been crazy for me. He and I keep playing relationship tag. Why are we doing this to each other. The stress, the heart ache; I know I am not the only one going through this. Maybe this man is for me. Cause His crazy ass makes me happy, sad, irritated, elated all wrapped up in one. He's been saying for literally years that I was the one for him, but I didn't fully believe it till now. So taking steps forward, I hope he doesn't fizzle out.

To Be Continued...

February is right around the corner...

While I am anti-roses, cause they are too cliche', I do enjoy what the day is supposed to symbolize. It is a beautiful way for couples to set aside time for one another in an otherwise busy schedule. on the flip side however, it is a day for single people to realize yet another year of not being with someone, or it can be a personal celebration for love of self. This all depends on if you're a glass half empty or half full kind of person. This year I don't know that I will have a "valentine", but I know i will be spending it eating cupcakes and a fancy dinner I cook at any rate. I know I will have a few phone calls and texts from some girl and guy friends a little sad about this holiday, but to me I fell like if you can't love yourself on this holiday without being bitter, then why would anyone else love you on this holiday still bitter, because he or she didn't do enough. I'm sure guys can appreciate that I do hold this day as a day for women, but I also recognize March 13th as steak and blow job day. So if you can get your end fulfilled with cupcakes and good sex, I can fulfill my day with cooking you a fat steak and giving you the best head of your life (not that my head game is any slouch on any other day). So enjoy your love whether it is the love between you and someone special or if it is taking some personal time to show appreciation for self.

A different look

I have had the old template layout for pretty much my entire span of this blog. Blogger has come out with many updates and changes, so I took this opportunity to look at them. Fresh Look inspires fresh ideas! :)

Sexuality in Today's Society

So as a whole, I feel like society has come a long way, but as I was talking to my favorite Starbucks morning crew the views of folks that are older are still very conservative for the liberal day and age I have grown to know and appreciate. Homosexuals are in my personal opinion about 45% more accepted than they were just a mere 10 years ago. It says a lot especially in America that they have gone so far as to repeal the "don't ask, don't tell" policy in the military. However even with all these steps forward we still have so much hate for people that live alternatively. I'm going to play a race card, but not in the traditional "compare black rights to gay rights"; I'm comparing interracial dating acceptance to LGBT acceptance. For many reasons we understand that interracial dating was not acceptable, because of the intense and socially acceptable open racism there was for white and black folks to date outside their race. Over time this has become a more traditional way of mating culture. The same has happened with the LGBT community. We are just in the middle phase between outrage and acceptance. What one couple does in the privacy of their home is their business, that goes for any type of relationship.
It bothered me that the cool ass people from the Starbucks morning crew were so closed minded hating on the females that dressed like dudes, walking into the coffee shop with some bad looking broads.(probably jealous they couldn't pull a female that looked that good) Talking about the gay men at that establishment, calling them fairies and other derogatory names. I respect their opinions on so many things, and then for them to say these things, its like watching your idol go to jail or something just as horrifying. I'm still cool with them, but I see them in a different light.
I saw these things, because I feel like if anyone who reads this, gets a spark or twinkle of activism in their body, they should speak up, stand up, and reach out for equality. Sexual preference doesn't make anyone any less of a person.

Just thinking out loud..

I feel like my blog lacks a little unf when my sex life is slow. I can't help it, I'm trying to put out a freaking book....lol..but all jokes aside, its almost to the point where its affecting the way I write, because I disconnected and distracted. Self pleasure is all well and good, but the touch of a man grabbing me, holding me, not letting me tap out and giving me orgasmic pleasure is hard to just go without when you have heightened your experience and preference. I've had great sex and I want to continue to have great sex, on a regular basis.

*my Inner thoughts...spoken out loud*

January 2012

• Nigga you gonna learn this year. (whether the world ends or not, fuckery from other people will be put on blast and shut the fuck down) No more will be dealt with.
• If you thought I went soft and gave a fuck at any point in my life. You can believe that time has come and gone. #TeamFUCKyourFeelings is back and in full effect.
• Its not brand new if you been doing it for years. I slacked for a while because of personal reasons, but my hustle is back and I am big spending and big bank rolling this year, so get on board or get left in the dust.
• Don't worry about how I make my money, just know that I get paid and I can take care of me.
• I might talk like a gangsta, get ahead like a gangsta, but i'm no gangsta; Just a strong, powerful woman in control. Don't confuse my feminine parts for weakness, I can hang with the big boys ;)
• As far as what you know about me sexually, either from personal experience or reading this blog, I have a hearty appetite in and out of the bedroom. Me being a big girl is not a weakness or and obstacle. I love pleasure just as much as the next girl, and I will get it anyway I see fit. 

Just a few things you should know about me for this year.

So I am planning my birthday...

Yes it is 2 1/2 months away, but I am going out of town. Las Vegas to be exact and I am thoroughly excited about the thought. I do however wish to have a gathering of friends and family on my birthday not sure exactly when though, because I will be gone March 30th-April 2nd...hmmm? Still thinking...

I still remember

I still remember laying there lifeless
a shell in my body
feeling completely empty.

I wanted it to end,
feeling disgraced and like it was my fault
I wore a dress that night
maybe showed a little to much cleavage.

Asking for it
I knew what I was doing right?
I must have,
wearing the tightest hottest dress that would flatter my body.

I looked like the baddest chick there.
Freshly turned 18 and ready for this party.

We flirted from the time I got there.
He made me a drink and it was pretty strong, but I was more mature now right?
I could handle it.
I'm a grown up playing with the college kids.

We danced till my feet hurt,
He showed me to the back room so I could
"lay down and relax"
Even offered me a foot massage

He went and brought me some water,
but it tasted different even a little weird.
I didn't think anything of it.

I couldn't see the door at this point
Not sure if the lights are out or my eyes are closed.
but I can feel someone touching me
Breathing on me
Their tongue in places I wasn't okay with

He lays on top of me and whispers in my ear,
"You are such a pretty girl"

I can feel a tear fall out of the corner of my eye
As he penetrates my body
I lost my essence in that moment.

It may have only lasted a few moments but
It will stay in my heart and mind for an eternity.

He gets dressed and leaves me there exposed
like a whore on display.
My body feels numb and I can't move.

On the inside I feel ashamed and disgusted.
I am never again going to be me.
Trying so hard to let out my voice,
I can only push out tears of sadness.

The shell of the girl I used to be remains.
I claw my way into a dark corner to hide from it all.
Physically I am fine.
Emotionally I am toxic.

Stained, Damaged, and scared for the rest of my life.

Flavor of January

Resolutions and generosity

3 Resolutions

• Dream Bigger and Accomplish more.
• Get my core happy so it pushes through.
• Explore things I said I would never do.

What I want!

I want more from you. Simple as that.

I want better love

I want quality time

I want the treasure that is your heart

I want deeper strokes

I want higher motivation

I want you to be the best you to bring out the best me.

I want us where we need to be.

I wish you didn't make me cry...

The words that flow from your lips bring tears to my eyes.

You make me cry tears of joy, of passion and on occasion sadness.

I want you to feel what I feel, not so you can be hurt like me, but so you understand me

From the deepest parts of my soul and heart I have love for you.

But I still wish you didn't make me cry.