10 Things I Have to Say to Black Men

1. I call you my nigga when you act like that, I don't claim you as a man because you have yet to prove that quality to me. 
2. Everything you hate about yourself I adore. I love you from the surface of your skin to the roots of your blood, because I embrace your culture and appreciate your presence in my life.
3. Your struggle doesn't define your character how you overcome and surpass it does.
4. The world envies your heritage and constantly imitates it, why do you think they don't want you to succeed? It comes naturally to you what they strive to be.
5. You call my attitude an issue, because you don't want to deal with the strong opinions. You hide behind that excuse and expect me to understand your perspective with no second thought to the over sexualization of  the color in my skin. 
6. Be a man, and not the imitation of what men appear to be, because most of them are just entertainers.
7. Don't allow your broken heart to destroy the potential of a great relationship because you are too pig-headed to set aside your ego to let a good woman love you.
8. Blessed is your heart as you shine in character. So stop hiding behind ill-intentioned boys trying to persuade you that all men are the same. Be who you are supposed to be, not influenced by bad role-models and imagery. Good character breeds success in spirit and loyalty in those you surround yourself with.
9. Stop blaming others for your lack of success in life, love, and career. Take ownership for all that you do. When you have nothing left to do for the situation, give it up to God and know when to walk away from something that poisons your soul. 
10. If you don't prefer black women, it is okay, but don't make excuses for the woman you do choose, because that makes you look weak. Love her with all your heart because of who she is and not because she's not something else.

Can We?

Can we just be happy together?
Spending time together in utter silence as the sun rises and sets.
Can we cook together?
making glorious meals that we never get around to eating.
Can we work together?
Support my endeavors as I support yours?
Can we grow together?
Learning from past mistakes, learning new tricks, and learning how to be better people
Can we build a life together?
Can we?

Check out my New Blog

New Ventures New Goals New Challenges

With this new blog I have given myself more structure and more topics to discuss. What loving this big girl is all about and so much more. There is a new post every Friday so make sure to check back for all my updates!

Everyone has the Tendency...

He asked me if he was always an asshole, I told him yes. He was shocked I said it, but I had to let him know what the facts were.

You were an asshole when I met you, and I was an asshole when you met me, but that doesn't change the fact that I grew into a better person and you are still circling the same asshole pool.

No I don't think I'm better than you, hell I'm still discovering who I am. But I refuse to sit here and stroke the ego of a man that's not worthy of me. I can deal with an asshole because it is what I have grown to know. But I don't want to deal with my mate, I want to balance with my mate. No woman wants to be with the asshole, but she has to try a few to keep her busy while she waits on Mr. Right-For-Her.

Fuck Feelings

Understand, I'm not that bitch. I'm not going to stroke your ego, so you can keep acting however you want to. You want the truth about how I feel for you, ask me. I'm never going to sugar coat or back down on my ideals because you might not like it. If you show me you can't handle the truth about what I think, I won't engage in that conversation. You are too weak to understand and too chicken to grow.

This Is Me...

This is me

I am perfectly imperfect

I make mistakes

I don't choose wisely

I do before I think

But with all my flaws and shortcomings

I still carry on

I have been at the wrong end of a suicide note

alcohol bottle and 

someones sexual misconduct.

I don't know which choice will be next,

and I don't know if I will make the right one

but I do know that whatever happens

will only add to the masterpiece that is me

I am a perfect storm of 

tranquil serenity and

crumbled ambitions.

I am the best and worst a person can be

Hand carved imperfections into flawless stone

Once a choice is made it is left cemented in me

only to be smoothed with the care and nurture of others.

This is me

I am perfectly imperfect

I make mistakes

I don't choose wisely

I do before I think

I am always a work in progress

You have no idea...

You have no idea how badly I want to hate you for all that you put me through, but at this point I only hate myself for still thinking of you, hoping that one day you and I can be together. You were in my world for 5 years and never made me yours, and I waited like a naive girl to think you would ever change. I hate that I can't shake the thought of you, I hate that I know you still care, I hate all the circumstances surrounding us, but I mostly hate that I can't hate you. It has weighed on my heart for far too long and I have denied myself closure far to many times. I am a broken mess, but the one person I want to talk to, hurts me more than any situation I could possibly be in.

Ideals...

Use my intimate feelings of desire for you to sexualize my fantasies of loving you. 

I want you in a way you've never felt before.

I want to love your soul from the inside out.

Breathe life into your voice with every kiss down your spine.

Stroke your ego till you climax in strength.

Become the man capable of holding the world on your shoulders

Knowing your new world will be born between my legs.

Figure out our life together with every kiss

The desire of the unattainable...

I fantasize about your hands tracing my curves,
grabbing hold of my body and
teasing my soft skin.
The thought of you sends chills down my spine and
sensations through my body.
I lust for you next to me,
I yearn for the time I see you,
I crave the scent of your cologne.

It's been a while...

It has been quite some time since I shared some of my thoughts or stories on here, and in all honesty, I haven't written in a week. My thoughts keep moving, but my pen lays still. I am ready to get back in the lab and tap into my creative flow, my mind finally in a space not bogged down with external factors. I'm excited about what will come out, and I hope people will enjoy!

Sometimes you have to make it tangible

Girlfriend Resume

While I am in a job search for the right company to work with while I'm working on my dreams, I had to update my resume. So with that in mind, I began pondering questions about relationships and readiness. Why not prepare a dating resume like a professional one. Why you parted ways, how long each one was, what you are looking for, things like that. This is a working one, but I thought it was fun to make and reflect on. 

Miss Camia Aka. Dymond Diva

Girlfriend Material - Wife Potential

Objective:

Build a life with a partner that has similar life goals

Experience: (Based on Relevance)

Donjae' - While it was a short lived encounter, it was helpful in learning that I should listen to my head more when I see warning signs of false promises. 

Jayson - On and off for 5 years, it was the most damaging of relationships, because he was never really mine, and I gave him way too much of my heart and energy

Alex - It was never going to be long lived, but it was perfect for that time in my life. He was an amazing man, and catered to what I needed at that time.

Moses - He was a whirlwind romance, we almost got married before I found out he was a lying, cheating Jerk.

Kaamar - Every woman has the dude that she knows is wrong for her, but he gives her the right attention at the right time in her life; He was this dude. I took his bullshit and he took advantage of my young naive nature. 

Brian - My first love, my first mistake, my first everything. He had my heart, and broke it. I trusted him to keep me safe and he abandoned me with no regard. I still pray for him, because he didn't break me, he made me realize my worth from an early age.

Special Skills:

Cooking

Baking

Dinner Party Host

Support System (emotional, mental, physical, financial)

Watching sports (and know what's going on)

Nurturing

Hilarious

Smart (can hold conversations on a wide variety of topics, current events, books, sports, technology, just to name a few)

Confident/Self Aware

Bedroom activities (submissive, kinky, dominating, I do it all)

Things We Settle For...

People aren't dating anymore:

Just talking

Catching feelings

Sleeping together

and ending up in situationships

This was the realest statement I read, and made me think about the interactions I've had and the relationships I've been through. I haven't been in a real relationship in so long, that I forgot what it was like to not be in situations with guys. Not because I wanted to be, but because I wasn't prepared for a relationship. All I was ready for was a situation that was convenient to my life. I can see it now, since I'm more prepared for a relationship. I want to build with a partner, not be carried by a man's success or carry another man to success. Let's lay a foundation and, and build our empire from the ground up. Let's be a power couple in our suburban community. Do it all and still have a hot meal on the table for the kids. I need a rider that can do it with me not for me. I'll be your Queen to the world and your woman at home, just meet me half way and be the King to our world and the man of our home. I don't want to settle anymore for a situation that I will be good enough for, I want to work hard and make it look effortless. I want to make you better just like you make me better. I want to be with you and for you, no matter who you are or when we'll meet. 

Friends...no love lost

I needed a friend and we became lovers
I needed a man and we became strangers
I needed us back and you left forever
I don't hurt like I used to
I hope the same for you

Cuffing Season

If I see one more post about cuffing season, and cuffing draft picks I'm unfriending and unfollowing them asap. This is not a thing! You wonder why so many people look at relationships and marriages like temporary things, because there is no conviction of the heart anymore. You end up in situations instead of relationships.
So don't mind me, but I'm gonna take this "season" off, because the ignorance of this nonsense is out of control. I don't want a temporary fling, I want the real thing, so I'll leave all that for the kids of today.

Venting..

I'm not your woman, hell I'm not even your bitch, so get out my phone texting me like such. I don't owe you a damn thing, and I damn sure ain't pressed to see you. So if I am not in the mood to fuck with you, leave me the fuck alone. I've known you for far too long and know all your little tricks and shit to get in my pants. Your dick ain't worth my driving to the other side of town, shit, it's barely worth a shave. So no I don't jump when you call, I roll my eyes and if I'm in the mood to deal with your shit, I'll respond. I don't even fuck with you for the enjoyment of the moment, I do it for the hilarious stories I get to tell afterward. He makes my blood boil some days, and most days I just won't respond. I'm tired of playing this game with you, especially since I've been fucking you for 7 years. When you're just a fuck thing, if that goes sour, there is nothing left to keep me interested. Mad at myself for letting you stay in my world. Even more mad that you continue to be there pressed for my pussy. Find some other girl that wants to deal with your bullshit because I finally graduated and became a woman that won't deal with it.

Be hungry for more...

Feed your passions with drive

Feed your intrigue with chance

Feed your inhibitions with change

Once you complete your first set of goals,

Make new ones.

Challenge yourself to experience the unknown.

Just a thought...

Let yourself be happy. stop looking for things to be mad about. I know it's scarier to be happy when you are used to things being so upsetting. Don't miss the good days looking out for the bad ones.

The heart plays tricks on you, it tricks you into thinking with it instead of with your brain. Make sure you listen to your heart, but decide with your brain.

The only thing worse than any situation you are in is death, so don't complain about the small things when you have so much to live for and offer the world with your presence.

People that prove they love you deserve your loyalty. Don't give them trust tests when you know they would jump through a ring of fire for you.

Don't Worry Love...

Don't worry about calling me
Don't worry about texting me
Don't worry about liking my pics on instagram
Don't worry about the tears I shed
Don't worry about the laughs out loud
Don't worry about the men I'm dealing with
Don't worry your pretty little head about anything I do

I don't need your fake friendship

I don't need your insecurities

I don't need your weaknesses

I don't need you.

I'll be okay without your comforts and smiles.

I tried to be a friend.

Hell I tried to be more.

You didn't want it, and I was cool.

But I'm done babying a grown ass man. 

Figure yourself out, and leave me out of your confusion.

It's funny how things change...

People grow up, move forward, and set goals. If you know me, I was very anti-child. I always wanted that honor of being cool auntie. I NEVER thought I would see the day where I wanted a little bundle of joy to call my own. Fighting it for so long, because I didn't think I would ever get married. Learning more about myself and who i am, and what I want. I want a family. I want a husband to my wife and a child to raise in this crazy world molded in the image of who we are together. I'm preparing myself now to be a better woman, and one day a better wife, and even further down the line a better mother. It's just funny to see how things change, priorities get shifted, and life becomes more about love and less about things that don't matter. I'm not as reckless as I once was, but still free as I always will be. My experiences have transformed me mentally and emotionally. I love others without a second thought and criticize the love of myself most harshly. But never once have I questioned my dedication to being happy. I embrace the changes in my heart and ready to fulfill the journey my path leads me down.