Bitch

Yes I call myself a bitch,

Not in the sense that I crawl on all fours and beg for treats

Not in the sense that I am less than womanly and undeserving of respect.

I call myself a bitch in the sense that I will rip you to shreds for fucking with those I love

I call myself a bitch in the sense that I am loyal to people in my world.

I call myself a bitch in the sense that I am stronger, wilder, and badder than any one aspect of being who I’m supposed to be.

I am more than your narrow perception of how I’m supposed to act and who I am.

I am a bitch, but I am all woman

He loves me....I love him

After years of trying to make a connection with a man that could never love me the way I needed to be loved, I closed the door. Not to say that I don't have love for him anymore, but I can never give my love to him or be in love with him again. I just can't be with him. We can never have a healthy relationship especially since I don't trust him with my heart.

With all that being said, I have opened the door to a new chapter with fresh eyes and an open mind. "Cain" gives me everything I could ever want in a partner. He's not afraid of his emotions and embraces them to love me harder than I've ever experienced. He wants me to be apart of his life, meet his daughter, meet his mother, build a future together, he wants me wholeheartedly with no hesitation. A man that supports my dreams and actually wants to build a life with me. I never knew love could be like this, because of all the back and forth fake love that I've been through over the years. He loves me in a way that I didn't think was possible after how many times my heart had been shattered. The type of man he is makes me want to be a better woman. In the end I hope I'm enough for him.
This is the kind of love I've always wanted. No more teenage puppy love, Carrie & Big roller coasters, or even "perfect" love stories. He understands me and loves my flaws like they don't exist. I understand him and know he's not perfect. We just seem to work well with one another like we were made for one another. He told me he loves me, and with the ease of an open heart I can say I love him too. 

You live...You learn...

Not enough guys remember this. They are constantly putting the good girls through the most bullshit and wife up the unfaithful ones wondering why they can't have a functional relationship. Stop blaming women for your choices as a man. You should be a man regardless of however foul you think a woman or women are, that shows your character when you let the actions of others define you.

I Swear...

What angers me most about him is not that he kept breaking my heart, not that he finally loves himself, not even that he is no longer a part of my life, its the fact that I'm the one that has to deal with the emotional baggage of having gotten excited about the possibilities of him again and he proving to me why I shouldn't have given him yet another chance. He has never been worth the turmoil because he never really loved me as much as he said he did, and come to think of it he never really could. I sat down and had a conversation with him about why I should even deal with him at this point and I went against all of my rules and red flags because I still loved him and gave him one more chance to be in my world. From the deepest part of my heart, my soul, my being, FUCK HIM. Don't come around my house, don't call me in a year, forget you even know me. I don't care if my whole family is murdered and its on the news, I don't want to hear from you ever again. I hate you in the deepest parts of my heart. I don't even want you to be happy is how much I hate you right now. I'm sure it will lessen over time, and I will hope happiness finds you, but at this point FUCK YOU. I don't want to be angry, but to give someone so much of your energy for bullshit...makes me so mad. I planned a life you, what our wedding would be like, what our home would be, how we would support each other. You gotta be out your fucking mind if you think I have any love left for you. I'm done with you and with us.

On the sad side of 25...

I recently had my 26th birthday and I'm feeling some kind of way about my lack of progress at this point. I have lots of things that I am excited about, but have yet to complete. My goals for the rest of the year include:

1. Publishing my book Mistress: A Dangerous Love Affair
2. Launching "Behind Closed Doors"
3. Make my exercise regime a cycle/begin training to help coach the softball team next year.
4. Build my writing audience

So with that being said, I have a lot of work to get to. I love and appreciate all of the people that have followed, read and supported my blog over the years. I will continue to update this blog and 

Fluffy Hair, Curvy Hips, Full Lips but I will be heavily focused on my list above. I know this won't be a great big loss since I've been slacking anyway, but this is my personal commitment to you all and to myself for the rest of the year. I want you all to hold me accountable as I go through this process. 30 will be here soon and I want to have something to show for it ;)

Just Some Thoughts...

• Don't love a man that has never shown you love. He will never actually love you no matter what he says.
• Be free with adventure and careful with heart. Enjoy the companionship of men in your world, but don't give your heart to everyone that's fun.
• I want a love that is so nontraditional, nobody thinks we will make it, but nobody knows us together like we do.
• Have fun with sex. Don't take it so seriously. Yes you should be careful fr STDs and Pregnancy, but don't let that outweigh the pleasure.
• If you want to be in someone's life, let it be known. Don't fight for a spot in someone's world and don't audition for a role that someone else is being placed in.
• I don't need a fairy tale. I don't need it to be perfect. I just need to know that you want to ride for me like I ride for you.
• I'm sick of my heart aching. I'm just going to do me, because I try to love others and they either stomp on it or lose it.

We can't rise as a people...

The tragedy in the black community is the actual lack of community. We come together in sorrow and become silent in prosperity. Friendly advice makes people defensive instead of cared for. So quick are we to dismiss others of similar backgrounds when united our culture is strong and divided we are the joke. Far too often have we proven that large percentages of the white culture appropriate our heritage to claim originality when in reality the only creation they have is the false ideals of originality.

Better without you...

I'm addicted to hating you. I feel like if I love you, I lost. It's like its I will have rewarded bad behavior. I loved you when you didn't love yourself. I loved you when I didn't love me. You don't want to take an L, but you damn sure don't deserve a W.  I don't know much about love, but if having you feels like a loss and not having you is a win, what are we fighting to keep. Every time I give you me you distance yourself, yet when I tell you that you've lost me you come running to try and keep me. I'm not a plant that you can neglect as long as you water it occasionally.
If you can't be with me in the struggle, then you don't deserve to be with me in the prosper. I don't need millions, I just need to be comfortable, but most importantly I need you. You never see that I would hustle with you from the bottom to the top, because you too wrapped up in only being with me at the top.
I hate having the short end of the stick with you, when you and I both know I deserve more. Just like you need a woman that doesn't have the emotional baggage of being with you in the hard times.

I am a writer

I am not a novelist, poet, or even a master of words, but I promise to tell you a story when you read my thoughts. I give you all of me in what I write. I am flawed and some times I appear incomplete. Hidden in the depth of my inner workings, my feelings hold strong the objectives I push to the front. I have yet to complete a novel, but the ideas I have, could make up volumes. I have yet to publish my poetry, but the spirit of the imagery used is ever present in all that I do. I have not mastered the words that give me the strength to create, but I learn more in every wake. I am a writer. I create stories intertwined in my speech and allow you to think about the unknown in my words as they are forever open ended. Your interpretation of how I create what I love will always differ in opinion to what I intend for you to understand. I leave you the rights to your thoughts on what I do, but you will never understand me better than me. I am not a novelist, poet, or even a master of words, but I promise to tell you a story when you read my thoughts.

-unfulfilled and untitled-

Lust in my eyes.
Love in my heart
I want to be his.

He shows me what real love is
He shows me what real passion is
He shows me what a man is

He knows what a woman is in me
He knows what I want from him
He knows what he can give me

I love his essence
I love his core
He is my man.

When Will I Learn...When Will You Leave...

It still hurts every time I look at you. I get mad all over again, because I'm still getting pieces of you. You always say today will be different, but you still haven't changed. I don't know what will make me realize I should stop giving you chances, but I think its because you won't let me go. When you sent me this song, I knew you understood, but you still don't get it.

I don't think we will ever end up together. I'm not Carrie and you're not Big. We won't end up like them, I'm just waiting for you to see it. Maybe you can change my mind before I change yours. I guess we will be in limbo until a real change happens.

Love

I miss the way I felt when I had someone that loved me and I loved them. I miss the different level of completeness that comes with being with someone. Am I in love with the idea of love, YES! I think the idea of love is an amazing thing, but not a greater pull than being in love. Many people are in love with the idea of a wedding but not with the idea of marriage, if that makes it easier to understand. I love hard at every step of the way, so for me to open up and love you, I need to know that I can trust you with my love. I'm done looking for love, because I know it will happen. I'm back to working on me, because everything else will fall into place.

My Reflection

Looking at the mirror hoping to see my reflection
Instead it feels like glass, transparent and invisible.

I raise my hand in the hopes of seeing movement
Gliding over the cold panel in front of me
I ball my fist to smash through in the hopes of seeing red,
broken and shattered I am screaming for help.

Nobody hears me

I see you passing me by,
hoping to hear your words of concern.

Nobody sees me

I yell out to you,
hoping you can fix me.
But I can no longer see the light.
My body is deserted
My soul is lost.

Looking at the mirror hoping to see my reflection.
Instead it feels like glass, transparent and invisible.

I open my eyes to see clearly,
I can no longer hide in the shadows
I must look at my reflection

The One That Makes Me Smile

You, He, Him, The one that makes me smile.
When I look in your eyes it shakes my core
I inhale life when we kiss.

Every breath in your presence tastes as sweet as peaches
Every time I look in your eyes I see the next 60 years,
How happy you could make me.

The center of your identity excites me
When you hold me, I am safe
When I hear you, I melt away

You have more of me than you realize
But you're too wrapped up inside your head to untie me
Unwrap me like a present on Christmas morning
I want you to want me
To see past all
my flaws
my hurt
my distrust
And see me how I see you

You, He, Him, The one that makes me smile

- untitled -

Fresh out the shower, dripping wet
I see the way I caught your eye.
Looking at me like the first time we made love.
Excited to get to the juicy center.
Licking your lips as you lick mine
Tasting how sweet I am from your bottom lip
I love the way you love me
Not satisfied with your lust for my nectar, you want more
You want to feel me squeeze my lips around you
Grabbing hold of your essence to intertwine with my joy
I bring you to climax and feel every pulsating vein inside of me.
You have me.
I have you.

To My Future Husband...

I pen this letter in the hopes of sending good vibes into the world and keep you safe from harm so that you find me. I want you to understand that I may not go to church every Sunday, but I have God in my heart. I may have a past, but I only want you in my future.  I want us to build a life together based on honesty, faith, love, and commitment to be better than we were yesterday. I am full of flaws, as I am sure you are. It took me a long time to accept this about myself, and I know I am always a work in progress. You have found me and I have found you, not as a complete masterpiece but with the knowledge that we will balance each other and create a beautiful composition. There is nothing more I want in this world than to make you happy. I promise to be what you need when you don't realize it and what you want when you desire me. While my life has vision, it is incomplete without you sharing in my joys and helping me through the failures. I will be there for your vision, helping you succeed and helping through the failures. Success is inevitable as long as we stay committed to each other. Understand that I will be wife, mother, chef, therapist, porn star, coach, whatever you need me to be because I love you and will be there for you though it all. We are in this together. If you're mad, go sleep it off in your man cave because arguments will happen, and divorce is not an option. You are either with me or you're not and we need to figure it out before "I do". I will give you all of me as long as you give me all of you.

Know that I intend on keeping my promises of love and fidelity when you make me your wife and I want nothing more than to keep you happy as my husband.

Love Always,
Your Future Wife

Plus Size In The City

How great of a title is that for a blog/column/general use? So you can imagine my regret for not thinking of it when I came across a modeling agency with the exact name, now if I tried to create a blog with that title I would feel like a copy cat. Just terrible news. But all jokes aside I need to brainstorm new names for this blog to shorten the length of the URL.

I hate proving ignorant people right...

While I still believe men and women can be friends, when they fight like bitches nobody wins. It just proves the point of people who say they can't be. Another one bites the dust.

At least I didn't cry like a bitch...

When you have people in your life, you take the good with the bad because everyone has flaws. To attack someones personality because you were hurt is like sipping hot coffee and getting made you were burned. You don't like the way I communicate, then I guess you should have said that. You called me names, yet I'm the one not acting like an adult. But I guess when you are too far up your own smug sense of self worth to see that I didn't do anything wrong, you just didn't like it you would realize you were an ass and I'm sorry that I hurt you. I accept people for who they are, I don't try to change them. We interact not because it's mandatory, but because we enjoy the other's company. When it feels mandatory, I pull away because nobody is required in my life but me. Acting like I didn't tell you I do that is your own fault not mine.  I was a little shocked to get passive aggression from someone who I thought was better than that. When I should have realized he alienated his friends himself. I can keep my friends, yet you keep loosing yours. You talk so much shit about one girl, yet you're exactly like her. Yeah she gossips and talks about people, and while that's your main reason for disliking her, that is the exact same shit you do. I didn't care, because we were still cool. That's what friends do. I was more of a friend to you than you realize, who else is going to put up with your annoying habits now? lol alright that was mean, but he was a jerk for no reason. This whole thing is going to bug me for a while, but that is enough random points in the conversation I had this morning. I guess the circle got smaller today, and I'm okay with that part, just the reason why is so passe'. I'm the one that needs to be an adult, but your reasoning and actions are the ones that are childish. Okay sweetie ;)

My first e-book

My first published work!!!! It's only $0.99 so nothing crazy just a little story I worked on to get me going and feel out the publishing world, well at least feel out amazon and how it works.

Heartbreak: The Rise and Fall

Check it out, buy it, spread the word!