I am who I am..

People either Love me or Hate me. Very rarely do they feel indifferent. Which is fine by me. But I am who I am, take it or leave it. If you don't care for it, then don't stick around, because I won't change for anyone especially someone that doesn't care the me that they met. Just a little something I wanted to make known ;)

Dear Diary,

I met a boy today. His personality is vivacious, His interest in me pure in nature but naughty in approach. I don't know if I should give him the time of day, I already have a boyfriend that I am very happy with. I gave him my number anyway. Maybe he will fizzle out and that will be the solution to my problem.

Fast Forward 1 year

Dear Diary,

This boy is still around. I don't know why? I realized when I got back to school, out of sight out of mind, but he  still calls me, just to check in. I told him I didn't think it would work, he wasn't the one for me. My old boyfriend broke my heart, but I guess this new guy stuck around long enough to try and fill that place. I'm still in college 3,000 miles away, we wouldn't work anyway. Maybe he will fizzle out now that I give him more attention. That happens sometimes, you realize you have less in common than you think.

Fast Forward 1 year

Dear Diary, 

He tells me he loves everything about me. Things are getting a little too real for me. I feel like he might actually last, but every time I give him a little piece of me, he goes ghost, and when I am MIA he is all up in my face. I don't understand him. He's the stereotype of a man when give him a piece, and different when I don't. Well I'm moving home soon, maybe things will be different, since I will be in the same city. Or maybe he will fizzle out.

Fast Forward 2 years

Dear Diary,

What the actual Fuck? This man drives me crazy. I know I do the same, this must be why we are both still here. I swear these last two and a half years I have been back home, have been crazy for me. He and I keep playing relationship tag. Why are we doing this to each other. The stress, the heart ache; I know I am not the only one going through this. Maybe this man is for me. Cause His crazy ass makes me happy, sad, irritated, elated all wrapped up in one. He's been saying for literally years that I was the one for him, but I didn't fully believe it till now. So taking steps forward, I hope he doesn't fizzle out.

To Be Continued...

February is right around the corner...

While I am anti-roses, cause they are too cliche', I do enjoy what the day is supposed to symbolize. It is a beautiful way for couples to set aside time for one another in an otherwise busy schedule. on the flip side however, it is a day for single people to realize yet another year of not being with someone, or it can be a personal celebration for love of self. This all depends on if you're a glass half empty or half full kind of person. This year I don't know that I will have a "valentine", but I know i will be spending it eating cupcakes and a fancy dinner I cook at any rate. I know I will have a few phone calls and texts from some girl and guy friends a little sad about this holiday, but to me I fell like if you can't love yourself on this holiday without being bitter, then why would anyone else love you on this holiday still bitter, because he or she didn't do enough. I'm sure guys can appreciate that I do hold this day as a day for women, but I also recognize March 13th as steak and blow job day. So if you can get your end fulfilled with cupcakes and good sex, I can fulfill my day with cooking you a fat steak and giving you the best head of your life (not that my head game is any slouch on any other day). So enjoy your love whether it is the love between you and someone special or if it is taking some personal time to show appreciation for self.

A different look

I have had the old template layout for pretty much my entire span of this blog. Blogger has come out with many updates and changes, so I took this opportunity to look at them. Fresh Look inspires fresh ideas! :)

Sexuality in Today's Society

So as a whole, I feel like society has come a long way, but as I was talking to my favorite Starbucks morning crew the views of folks that are older are still very conservative for the liberal day and age I have grown to know and appreciate. Homosexuals are in my personal opinion about 45% more accepted than they were just a mere 10 years ago. It says a lot especially in America that they have gone so far as to repeal the "don't ask, don't tell" policy in the military. However even with all these steps forward we still have so much hate for people that live alternatively. I'm going to play a race card, but not in the traditional "compare black rights to gay rights"; I'm comparing interracial dating acceptance to LGBT acceptance. For many reasons we understand that interracial dating was not acceptable, because of the intense and socially acceptable open racism there was for white and black folks to date outside their race. Over time this has become a more traditional way of mating culture. The same has happened with the LGBT community. We are just in the middle phase between outrage and acceptance. What one couple does in the privacy of their home is their business, that goes for any type of relationship.
It bothered me that the cool ass people from the Starbucks morning crew were so closed minded hating on the females that dressed like dudes, walking into the coffee shop with some bad looking broads.(probably jealous they couldn't pull a female that looked that good) Talking about the gay men at that establishment, calling them fairies and other derogatory names. I respect their opinions on so many things, and then for them to say these things, its like watching your idol go to jail or something just as horrifying. I'm still cool with them, but I see them in a different light.
I saw these things, because I feel like if anyone who reads this, gets a spark or twinkle of activism in their body, they should speak up, stand up, and reach out for equality. Sexual preference doesn't make anyone any less of a person.

Just thinking out loud..

I feel like my blog lacks a little unf when my sex life is slow. I can't help it, I'm trying to put out a freaking book....lol..but all jokes aside, its almost to the point where its affecting the way I write, because I disconnected and distracted. Self pleasure is all well and good, but the touch of a man grabbing me, holding me, not letting me tap out and giving me orgasmic pleasure is hard to just go without when you have heightened your experience and preference. I've had great sex and I want to continue to have great sex, on a regular basis.

*my Inner thoughts...spoken out loud*

January 2012

• Nigga you gonna learn this year. (whether the world ends or not, fuckery from other people will be put on blast and shut the fuck down) No more will be dealt with.
• If you thought I went soft and gave a fuck at any point in my life. You can believe that time has come and gone. #TeamFUCKyourFeelings is back and in full effect.
• Its not brand new if you been doing it for years. I slacked for a while because of personal reasons, but my hustle is back and I am big spending and big bank rolling this year, so get on board or get left in the dust.
• Don't worry about how I make my money, just know that I get paid and I can take care of me.
• I might talk like a gangsta, get ahead like a gangsta, but i'm no gangsta; Just a strong, powerful woman in control. Don't confuse my feminine parts for weakness, I can hang with the big boys ;)
• As far as what you know about me sexually, either from personal experience or reading this blog, I have a hearty appetite in and out of the bedroom. Me being a big girl is not a weakness or and obstacle. I love pleasure just as much as the next girl, and I will get it anyway I see fit. 

Just a few things you should know about me for this year.

So I am planning my birthday...

Yes it is 2 1/2 months away, but I am going out of town. Las Vegas to be exact and I am thoroughly excited about the thought. I do however wish to have a gathering of friends and family on my birthday not sure exactly when though, because I will be gone March 30th-April 2nd...hmmm? Still thinking...

I still remember

I still remember laying there lifeless
a shell in my body
feeling completely empty.

I wanted it to end,
feeling disgraced and like it was my fault
I wore a dress that night
maybe showed a little to much cleavage.

Asking for it
I knew what I was doing right?
I must have,
wearing the tightest hottest dress that would flatter my body.

I looked like the baddest chick there.
Freshly turned 18 and ready for this party.

We flirted from the time I got there.
He made me a drink and it was pretty strong, but I was more mature now right?
I could handle it.
I'm a grown up playing with the college kids.

We danced till my feet hurt,
He showed me to the back room so I could
"lay down and relax"
Even offered me a foot massage

He went and brought me some water,
but it tasted different even a little weird.
I didn't think anything of it.

I couldn't see the door at this point
Not sure if the lights are out or my eyes are closed.
but I can feel someone touching me
Breathing on me
Their tongue in places I wasn't okay with

He lays on top of me and whispers in my ear,
"You are such a pretty girl"

I can feel a tear fall out of the corner of my eye
As he penetrates my body
I lost my essence in that moment.

It may have only lasted a few moments but
It will stay in my heart and mind for an eternity.

He gets dressed and leaves me there exposed
like a whore on display.
My body feels numb and I can't move.

On the inside I feel ashamed and disgusted.
I am never again going to be me.
Trying so hard to let out my voice,
I can only push out tears of sadness.

The shell of the girl I used to be remains.
I claw my way into a dark corner to hide from it all.
Physically I am fine.
Emotionally I am toxic.

Stained, Damaged, and scared for the rest of my life.

Flavor of January

Resolutions and generosity

3 Resolutions

• Dream Bigger and Accomplish more.
• Get my core happy so it pushes through.
• Explore things I said I would never do.

What I want!

I want more from you. Simple as that.

I want better love

I want quality time

I want the treasure that is your heart

I want deeper strokes

I want higher motivation

I want you to be the best you to bring out the best me.

I want us where we need to be.

I wish you didn't make me cry...

The words that flow from your lips bring tears to my eyes.

You make me cry tears of joy, of passion and on occasion sadness.

I want you to feel what I feel, not so you can be hurt like me, but so you understand me

From the deepest parts of my soul and heart I have love for you.

But I still wish you didn't make me cry.

New Boyfriend Application

So this is a play on the old version I had, but this one is more of a check list of things I want to happen, qualities I want you to have, to see if you are a cut above. 

Personality

• Charming, but not used in a sleazy way
• Loyal to me not just his mommy
• Honest
• Funny, no Hilarious ,when the occasion calls for it
• Smart, not rocket science smart, but smart enough to hold a decent conversation about politics, religion, current events, great novels and other topics of substance.
• Generous of heart and mind, not always of pocket
• Self-Identity, has one and doesn't look for it in me 
• Realist, because anything else just clashes to much

Likes

• Adventure, but can balance my reckless abandon.
• Art & Culture not the stuffy/snobby kind
• Video Games, to the point of enjoyment not life fulfillment
• Sports to the point of enjoyment, not star-crazed fandom
• Sex, but knows the difference between porno dialogue and relationship dialogue

Dislikes

• Everything I dislike. lol

Physical Appearance (shallow I know but hear me out first)

• Taller than me (i'm 5'5 not that hard to do)
• Chocolate, no not the candy, the color. I want to end up with a black guy i'm sorry

Now it may seem like a lot to ask for because its all written out, but honestly, I am more concerned with the man you are not the job you have or the cars you drive. Money comes and goes, but being a good man is hard to find. Honestly if you are this person, you have a stable job, your own residence, and a car to drive, because you are responsible and well put together. If not, I guarantee you are on the way. 

Passion Parties and Sex Classes

so it has been brought to my attention that I should start holding class and doing passion parties again. I think that can be a lucrative and fun way to make money while I try to get this book finished and published. So official notice, I am in the works of planning my lessons and getting supplies. January 2012 it begins. More details to come, so please be on the look out. I will also offer Skype classes for my long distance students. I'm excited so get excited!

Damn I gotta stop drinking.

I know this one goes a way back, but after having a few drinks at my Christmas party yesterday I have been feeling flirty and a little horny. Then today this song pops up on my ipod and I feel like its a sign that I will either have great sex soon or just be horny for a while. I'm hoping for the great sex, but hey we can hope right. 

I figured I have this theme starting of showing videos with my posts, so here you go.

choke me, spank me (pull my hair)- Xzibit 

As the year comes to a close..

here are a few things I learned this year:

• People no matter how much you know them will let you down in a heartbeat.
• Love is for people that aren't me.
• Every time I open my heart to someone they treat it like its worthless and wonder why its so hard for me to love.
• The only person in my corner is always gonna be me.
• Growing from mistakes is hard, but worth it in the end.
• Family is a beautiful thing to have, kids are still annoying
• My tears have fallen too many days, and I need to be happy.
• I have met a handful of amazing people that live nowhere near me
• I am really crabby during the holiday season, slowly becoming a Scrooge or Grinch.
• Cold weather makes me extremely horny.
• Relationship tag sucks for all parties involved.
• Rhode Island is an awful state.

Lil' Mo - Broken Heart

Sit with this one while you wait for me to come back with more posts :)

In the whisper of the night

All I want to hear is the soft breath you take flowing against my neck.
All I want to feel is the gentle caress of your arms wrapping around me.
All I want to see is the deepest parts of your soul from the opening in your eyes.
All I want to taste is the kisses you leave on my lips after you play with my clit.
All I want to touch is the back of your neck as I draw you in closer.

I want the most sensual of moments to be shared with you.
I want the happiest moments of silence as we soak in the pleasure of each others company.
I want you more and more each day, but I realize that is to much to ask of you.
I want for us to be where we need to be with or without each other.

Plus Size Diva in a Skinny Bitch World...

We are a media based society. What we see in the general medias of print, television and the dominant personality the Internet, is the females need to be sexier, sluttier, and all around objects of desire, while men need to be rolling in the money, and sexual gods. Neither side is winning right now, because of this image of perfection that nobody is capable of achieving.

So with that being said, lets take this a step further. Your girl right here is a thick chick, no doubt you have seen my pics in the picture section at the top of this page, so you all know what I look like. I am not by any means this society's standard of beauty. Underhandedly society has let me know this at every developmental stage in my life so far. It doesn't shake my core, because I know the confidence in my walk and the raw nature of my talk speak volumes of who I am and what i'm worth. So I go through my day swinging my hips with grace, rocking my heels with style and flaunting my curves in this skinny bitch world. No offense to the skinny girls, because I fux with y'all, but you are no more fabulous than me and I am no more fabulous than you. I just need you to realize I am here to stay, and the balance is soon to be realized and actualized.

But hey that's just how I feel about society today. Plus size diva in a skinny bitch world ;)

I miss the old me...

I miss parts of the old me who I was before I knew him. The one that didn't give a fuck about feelings. The one that had a plan for what she wanted to do and not just for what she could do. I miss the times I had rolling and not giving a fuck, because I knew how to keep my dreams alive. The old me wouldn't have put up with most of the shit I deal with on a daily basis let alone on the big shit that piles up. The new me however knows how to handle situations better, has better sex, and flirts more, because its healthy. A little nostalgia for the old me, and just to leave ya'll with a little musical enjoyment Nicki Minaj - Dear Old Nicki

Did I forget to tell you?

I don't know how many new people are reading my blog, because I get no comment love..lol, but if you didn't know, this blog is a place for me to vent, dish, and talk out what I'm feeling. If you get offended by anything that is said, you are either telling on yourself or mad the the truth is out there. At any rate, if you don't like what you read please feel free to "Go FUCK Yourself". Thanks for playing and don't worry, your dirty diapers won't be missed.

This has been a message from Management,

Dymond Diva